You Will Be Found

Dear Reader,

May is mental health awareness month. I’ve talked about it before here on my blog, but my mental health journey has been a long one. 

I’ve tried so many different medications over the years. I have sat in many therapist offices. I have self-harmed. I have even contemplated suicide. I even gave up at one point and decided that even the act of trying was pointless. I decided that I wasn't worth anything good. I came under the false belief that God no longer cared.

But, despite it all, hope was still shining through the darkest parts of my mind.

A movie that I have really come to love is “Dear Evan Hansen”. It's a musical that started on Broadway. It deals with the topic of mental health, especially in teens.

There is a song from it that I really feel sums up my mental health journey: “You Will Be Found”.

“Well let that lonely feeling wash away

Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay

‘Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand

You can reach, reach out your hand

And oh, someone will come running

And I know they’ll take you home.”

Despite traumas in my life and in my mental health, this song points exactly to what has helped me hang on:

People who hold out their hand to me when I am struggling. God included. 

The song talks about having a community that can rally around you in your darkest times. And, if you feel like you don’t have your people, an encouragement to keep fighting until you find them. 

When you reach out your hand to people who care, you can keep your head above water. There truly is strength in numbers. 

For me, the thing that has had the biggest impact has been community. Having a group of individuals that cared made all the difference.

And it is through these people that I began to believe again in God's care for me. It is what led to me making the decision to seek real, lasting change. It helped me start to like me again and to see myself as worth the fight and the care.

Regardless of where you’ve been, how far gone you may feel, whatever ways you struggle; you can start over again. You can change your life. You don’t have to go through change alone. We’re in this together. 

You’re worth the fight friend. Jesus sure thinks so. He died for you and thinks you’re a pretty big deal. I believe it too. 

Love,

Chelsea

"You're On Your Own Kid."

Dear Reader,

One thing I have always struggled with is looking backward far too much.

I spent far too many years looking back on the mistakes made, my regrets, my shame, and ways others hurt and harmed me. I gave too much of my life over to anger, obsession, shame, lack of responsibility, and pain. 

When I turned 30, I had a bit of a crisis; but, it was a crisis that was necessary. The crisis caused me to realize that I had been wasting my life away.

I kind of wonder if Taylor Swift herself had a similar mindset when she turned 30. Midnights is an album that I would describe as a 30-something year old woman looking back and assessing her life, her choices, regrets, and experiences. 

While we have most definitely led very different lives, I relate to so much of what she has written about on Midnights. My favorite song on the album is, "You're On Your Own Kid", and it's kind of become my anthem. 

She sings about her struggles of having a crush on a friend as a teen, her struggles as a young star entering the music industry, comparing herself to others, and the struggles and losses she had along the way. 

On the last leg of the song she writes, "'Cause there where pages turned with the bridges burned/Everything you lose is a step you take/So make the friendship bracelets/Take the moment and taste it/You've got no reason to be afraid/You're on your own kid/Yeah, you can face this/You're on your own kid/You always have been."

Much of the song is very sad, but at the end, she brings it all together. She says that, despite the struggles, there were beautiful moments that made all the pain worth it. 

"Take the moment and taste it."

Living in the moment. That is something I want to strive for. All we have is the moment that we are in at that point in time. We can only do our best in the precious moments God gives us. 

Did I waste a lot of my life?

Yes. But I am not going to stay there. 

You get to decide how your life is going to go. Sure, there are certain things you can't control. You can't control other people. You can't control God's timing. You can't change the weather, or the time.

You can control the decisions you make. You can choose to forgive. You can choose joy. You can choose to love yourself and make yourself more of a priority. You can choose to walk away from bitterness, self-pity, and victim-hood. You can choose better boundaries. You can choose to trust God's timing and His will for your life. 

Wherever this finds you, it isn't to late. It never is. 

"You're on Your Own Kid. Yeah, you can face this."

Love,

Chelsea

VICTORY!

 

Dear Readers,

Sin.

We all struggle.

We all have things we do that break God's heart.

Hating another person. Hateful speech. Gossip. Dishonesty. Objectifying others. Stealing. These are all things human beings struggle with; ways we can cause harm to ourselves and others.

I too have my own demons that have followed me my whole life.

When I was 16, I was baptized for the remission of my sins. God came into my life; walking with me in my tumultuous existence.

What a journey we’ve had together.

Even through tears, bitterness, anger, self-harm, self-hatred, temptations, and dumb choices in general, He has been a constant friend. He is, and will always be, the reason I am still here.

For years I would strive and fight, hoping I could be good enough. I strove for perfection, hoping for favor from Him. 

You see, God knows of my imperfection. Knows every bit of it. He knows me down to the very cells and atoms that make up my body. He knows my heart, and my mind. He knows ME. He LOVES me. He still cares for and cherishes me. I don't have live in constant striving. I already have His favor; I don't have to fight for it.

But, the shame, the struggles, the attacks of the enemy-they get no say in my life. None.

Have I grown over time? Yes. I am not the same person. He has used my pain to refine and prune me. I’ve grown and changed through the struggles.

It all began when Jesus breathed His last on the cross. It all began when Jesus took on my sins, and the sins of the entire world on His shoulders. He allowed the weight of it all to grasp His life between their bitter, poisonous fingers. He was the final sacrifice.

But unlike the sacrificial animals of times past, Jesus had a far different ending.

He was buried for three days in a tomb that had a large, heavy stone guarding the doorway. Then, on that third day, an Angel pushed it away with absolute ease.

Jesus, the Son of God, crushed the enemy, and Death, beneath His feet. He walked away in freedom, carrying Freedom to those who accept His love and His sacrifice. His Holy Spirit is the seal for every person who bears His name, and walks in love with Him. (Ephesians 1:13-14.)

We can live victoriously, because Jesus was victorious. 

God has already won, beautiful friend. Keep hanging onto Him.

Happy Easter!

Love,

Chelsea

Bodies Change; Hearts are Forever.

The other day at the gym, while I was in the locker room getting ready to go, I met this other woman. We got to chatting about our personal health journeys. We found out that in the past year, we’ve both lost about fifty pounds each and had a similar starting weight. 

I told her that I had been swimming since last year, and started strength training in January. I told her how much I was loving it. She told me that she had been doing strength training as well.

But then, she told me something that disheartened me a bit: 

She said that there were some women in her life that told her not to do too much strength training. The reason? She would bulk up and look “manly”. I could tell by the look on her face that the statement from her friends made her feel deflated.

I went on to explain that for me, I didn’t care if I bulked up much (and probably wouldn't...at least, not to the extent her friends picked on her for). Strength training has so many wonderful health benefits. The challenge for me has been great. I love being able to see how much stronger I get from week to week. I love being able to feel better physically.

I also said, jokingly, that the idea of being able to flip a grown man over my head would be pretty cool. Not that I actually would; but the idea is funny. Also, my genetics have blessed me with curves. I doubt I would be mistaken for a man even with more muscle tone. 

Ladies, why do we say things that would put another woman's body down? Why do we say things that would make her feel ashamed and not seek the best for herself? Making negative comments about each other’s bodies is neither encouraging nor helpful.

If I hear of a woman, regardless of any size going and doing things to challenge herself, improve her health, and defy the status quo, that is incredible to me. 

You know what that says to me? That woman has strength, perseverance, and isn’t afraid to be herself. To fight for herself. 

Going off of that, our bodies are not the most important things about us. Our bodies are incredible vessels that carry who we are. They carry our souls and minds. They carry our personalities. They carry the things that make us unique.

Regardless of our body’s shape or size, they will inevitably change over time. We all age. We all gain weight, lose weight. We may have hanging skin and stretch marks. We all get gray hair, or some of us lose our hair. We all get fine lines or wrinkles eventually. We all lose hearing or eyesight. When we can accept ourselves where we are, and for who we are, we can find more peace and happiness. Beauty is a light that comes from within.

‭‭"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear;‭‭ but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” 1 Peter 3:4-5.

A woman of a “gentle and quiet spirit” is one who finds peace and contentment in God. It is a woman who finds purpose in loving God and people. A woman of a gentle and quiet spirit seeks out God more than the praise of others. It is not about personality or clothing tastes. It is the realization that there are things more important than appearance.

God made me to be uniquely me. God made you to be uniquely you. 

If you want to have more muscle tone go for it. If you don’t, that’s fine too. If you want to be somewhere in the middle, you do you. 

Our main focus should be on growing closer to God, growing as people, and growing closer in our relationships. Doing good for others. In short, Love. 

Love is what makes life beautiful. 

The beauty standards change about every ten years. I will never fit those standards. I don’t care to. The more we obsess over those standards, the more they suck our peace and joy away.  

I would rather have peace and joy than comparing myself to standards that are unattainable at best. 

However your body changes, however you grow, you still have worth, and you still matter. 

Love, 

Chelsea

Finding God in Our Trauma

 

Dear Readers,

Pain envelops and saturates much in our lives doesn't it?

And, oftentimes, it lives inside of us to the very core of our being.

Our pain can cause us to mistreat others, mistreat ourselves, and create chaos in our lives. 

I spent years in bitterness, hurt, and anger towards individuals who hurt me deeply. For years I would beg and cry to be seen, and to be heard. I would scream for my pain to be recognized by the ones who caused me harm. It consumed so much of my heart and existence.

And here, on the other side, is this very poignant truth: they won't know my pain. They can't. Because they aren't me.

Then I had a choice to make: keep downing and filling my entire being with bitter poison; or release my pain and trauma to a compassionate God who sees them. 

As anyone who has been through trauma can tell you, the experiences become etched into the core of who we are. Life isn't the same when you go through incredible pain. You will still inevitably have moments of anxiety triggered by things that remind you of the trauma. There will be times when you suddenly feel overwhelmed by grief. There will be situations where you realize that your trauma led you to make very poor decisions. 

However, despite my trauma, I can choose to forgive; or I can choose to have bitterness. I can choose to find things to be thankful for; or I can wallow in self-pity everyday. I can choose joy; or I can choose bitterness. I can choose to hate myself; or I can choose to give myself love and grace, and accept my humanness. 

Whatever I go through, I know that my God will be more than enough. I used to constantly ask ‘Why God?”. And while, in a sense there isn’t anything wrong with asking God ‘why’, I have come to understand that I don’t necessarily need to know the reason. I have come to start accepting that pain and frailty are a part of the human existence. 

In what is probably my favorite passage in all of scripture, 2nd Corinthians 12:7-10, the apostle Paul talks about a thorn in the flesh that tormented him. He begged God to take it away. In the end, however, God tells Paul that His grace will be sufficient and enough to see Paul through. It is in our weaknesses and hardships that we meet the power of God.

When we can humble ourselves to God and hand our worries and cares over to Him, (including other people) he can bring so much peace into our lives despite the pain.  (1 Peter 5:6-7)

I hope you can start to find that today, my beautiful friend. 

Love, 

Chelsea 

Courage Makes for a Beautiful Life

 

Dear Readers,

For most of my entire life, self-doubt and self-hatred riddled my existence. Fear consumed me. Many decisions that I have made in my life have deep root in fear and self-loathing.

My absolute biggest fear is being a burden on others or causing problems for them.

I wouldn't message individuals I wanted to be closer to for the longest time. I was afraid of annoying them and being a burden. This happened despite evidence to show me that the interest was definitely mutual.

I would avoid certain jobs because I told myself I couldn't. Again, fear of making mistakes, being a burden and causing problems for others.

I would avoid certain experiences or make excuses because I felt that I would somehow find a way to mess it all up. Life became a puzzle of figuring out how I could best protect myself.

Last year, I made the decision that I no longer wanted to make decisions based in fear. It was hard, but, I grew so much. I learned to trust God more and allow Him to be in more control. I didn't always get it right, but, I allowed Him to walk with me through the fears.

I am starting to reach out more to people I want to be closer to. And when I do? The world doesn't explode. Actually, quite the opposite.

I applied to jobs I never thought I would. Fast food, for instance. When I found myself in a situation in which I desperately needed a job, I became willing to do those things. I ended up not having to work in fast food. I am thankful for that; but if I had to I could do it.

I am learning to accept the fact that mistakes are inevitable. Being human, they are going to happen. What matters though, is what we do with those mistakes.

I am going to make social faux pas sometimes. If someone tells me I am over stepping or do something they don't like, I can respect their boundaries and do better.

If I make a mistake at work, it's not the end of the world. I can figure out how to prevent it from happening again and change my course of action.

I can forgive myself. I can accept grace for myself. I can live in peace knowing that regardless of whatever mistakes I make, it doesn't lessen my worth.

God still loves me, cherishes me, and fights for me every single day. He loves me in spite of my brokenness, awkwardness, my sin and my mistakes. He sees me as capable. He makes me strong. He gives me courage.

My loved ones don't see me as a burden. Time and time again, they’ve shown that my pain isn't mine alone to carry. They’ve shown me that it's okay to bear each other's burdens.

The knowledge of these things encourage me to act in spite of being afraid.

Life is too short to live it in constant fear. Life is too short to live in constant comfort. And to quote a certain red-haired cartoon teacher, “Take chances! Make mistakes! Get messy!”

Oftentimes, I have found that life's most beautiful and magical moments are the ones that are born from courage.

Allow yourself that today, beautiful friend. Be brave, accept grace for yourself, and know God is walking with you every step of the way.

Love,

Chelsea

What 10 Years Has Taught Me About My Value In Christ

Dear Reader,

10 years can change so much. 

I am sitting here reminiscing on who I used to be. This was a time when I was a young woman who couldn’t, wouldn’t value herself. A time when I so desperately wanted to be loved. 

She was young woman who wanted another’s love so badly that she was willing to ignore and overlook when boundaries were crossed. She was willing to ignore assault and emotional abuse. She was willing to put up with mood swings from a man who was unable to love her. She gave much but received so little in return. 

She believed for so long that it was all her fault. She believed his problems were her responsibility to shoulder. She believed the lie that it was her responsibility to straighten him out.

Her whole life, time and time again, she tried to love people who couldn’t love her. And when good guys looked her way and tried offer their hand to her, she was too hyper-focused on other men who couldn’t return her feelings.

While I thought I valued myself and lived in God’s love, many of my choices reflected the complete opposite of that. Childhood trauma and emotional abuse led me to believe deep down that I was unworthy of good things. I saw myself as so small, and insignificant. 

However, what I desperately needed was to love myself. But even more important, to bask in the love of a man who gave His whole life to love me: Jesus.

I needed to grasp for His love. I needed to hold it tightly in my hands, and hold it to my heart with all my might. 

Chapters 1&2 of Ephesians tell us this about who we are to God, and the gifts He gives us:

*He chose us. (1:5,11)

*Redemption and forgiveness. (1:7)

*The Holy Spirit (The seal of our Salvation) (1:13)

*Mercy and Love (2:4)

*New Life (2:5)

*We are citizens and saints of His Kingdom (2:19)

Reading these chapters, it is such a powerful reminder of how much God cherishes us. Or to read scriptures such as John 3:16, Romans 5:8, Romans 8:37-39, or 1 John 3:1.

What has ten years been teaching me? 

That God deeply loves and cares for me and considers me. So much so that it's overwhelming and unfathomable. I can look back and see the ways His hand has been in my life. Though I make and have made foolish decisions, He’s never left. Though there are times I have rejected His love and believed lies about myself, He’s never wavered in His love for me. 

God will be my anchor in times when I can’t see the goodness in myself, and I know He will bring me into the light again. And, I think that to some extent, we probably all struggle to value and love ourselves the way we should. I think we all struggle with the idea that it’s OKAY to love ourselves. 

God deemed His creation good. We are the most cherished and beloved of all He created. We are of far more value to Him than the flowers or even the sparrows. (Matthew 6:25-29)

One of the most difficult parts of my life has been struggling to believe that I matter to God. Yet, the truth is there: in His scriptures and the ways He intervenes in my life from day to day. 

So I will keep it short: in the month of love, let this encourage you: It's okay to give yourself grace. You matter to God.

Love, 

Chelsea