Dear Sisters in Christ,
If you have kept up with my posts to this point you know that I have been extremely single since my early twenties.
Very single.
Single with no other pringle.
Bad rhyming jokes aside, I do want to say that, as a whole, this time of singleness has actually been pretty awesome.
Very single.
Single with no other pringle.
Bad rhyming jokes aside, I do want to say that, as a whole, this time of singleness has actually been pretty awesome.
I was not ready to get married back in my early twenties. There were so many things I needed to heal through, mature in, and figure out about myself. This journey has been one of many tears, lessons, but also laughter and joy.
I want to begin saying this: Singleness is not a disease. You are not warped, weird, or bad for being single. Your worth does not depend in any way, shape, or form on your romantic involvement.
And you need to believe it.
And you need to stop lamenting being single. You need to stop comparing yourself to others because they are so-called “further ahead” than you.
You know why? Because when you fall into a place of pitying yourself for being single, you fail to see all the beautiful things that are already happening in your life. You fail to see the incredible things that you have the ability to do as a single person. You fail to see the amazing, and awe-inspiring ways that God can use you.
Your life doesn’t begin the moment you have your first kiss, or say I do. It begins the moment you choose to live life to the fullest. It begins when you let God use you in whatever way He sees fit.
So how do we do that? I asked some Christian sisters on Facebook for some input into this. Some of it will be things I have learned as well. So, let’s begin!
Happiness is Dependent on YOU-Not another person
I mentioned this above, but so many people hang their worth (whether they admit or not) on the condition of whether or not they are in a relationship. They lament and feel terrible about their lives for being single. They live in a constant state of comparison to others.
Let’s just be honest here. Girl, if you are not happy on your own, there is no way you’ll be truly happy with someone else. A relationship or marriage is not some magic pill that will make all your inner problems go away. That isn’t how it works.
In my first relationship, I ran into it after being rejected by someone else. I felt so low and bad about myself. It was so easy for my ex to say all the right things and me fall for it. Not cool on my end. Then as things progressed, I was so overwhelmed by my emotions that I couldn’t see the situation for what it truly was. My happiness became dependent upon my boyfriend at the time.
It was toxic and immature of me.
One thing that I have learned is this: It is far better to first create a beautiful life that you are happy and content with. Then, once you have achieved that, you can better enter into a healthy relationship. You should not enter into a relationship or marriage to be complete or to be made whole. That only comes through the choices you make, and growing closer in a relationship with God.
Also, it is absolutely not fair to the other person to rely on them to make your life better. It is not their responsibility. It is ultimately yours through the choices you make.
Also, if there are things in your life that you have not dealt with or healed from, work on those things prior to dating. It’s not about being perfect; we never will be or do things perfectly. However, if our heads are too muddled by things of the past, it's harder to be in a good head space to commit ourselves to another person.
“Patience is important, but being happy and content w/ where you are FIRST means you’re ready for an addition to the happiness you already have achieved!” -Emili
Learn to Be Okay (even happy!) With Being Alone
As an introvert, I love my alone time. Love it. But whether you are more of an introvert or an extrovert, we can all benefit from contentment in being alone.
A year or so ago, I took a class on living a better single life, that can lead to attracting a healthy relationship later. There was some advice that really stuck with me: Treat yourself the way you would want a significant other to treat you.
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| Psst....don't tell anyone, but I am secretly Elsa! |
Let me explain how this looks:
-Taking myself out on dates. Yes, really! I go to movies by myself. I go out to dinner at nice restaurants by myself. I even buy myself flowers sometimes. This time by myself is absolutely precious. I am learning to really enjoy being by myself and cultivate happiness with just me and God.
-Choosing to do things you would want to do with a significant other. For instance, go on that trip you wanted to go on with your potential significant other. Grab your girlfriends and make plans to go on that dream trip. For me, I am wanting to do missions in Japan, and one day go on a week-long trip to Disney world, whether or not I am attached.
-Tell yourself that you are capable, strong, and beautiful. Believe it. And more importantly, allow God to speak those things to you through His word.
“Being single in no way means you are alone. And being alone is not a bad thing. In fact it can be a beautiful time of growth, exploration, adventure, new experiences, and opportunity to cultivate your passions and hobbies. Focus on those and see where life and God takes you.”-Chelsea M.
“It’s okay to be alone. It’s not okay to surround yourself with men who don’t deserve you.”-Jenn T.
Stop Waiting and Start Doing
I used to be in a place where I constantly made decisions based on whether or not it would hurt my chances to be marriageable material.
I had wasted quite a few years of my life in that position. I was convinced that my prince charming was going to show up any second. I had to be ready. I didn’t want to do any crazy travel plans. I was convinced that if I did anything crazy, I might miss my chance to meet my person.
Actually, I think that mindset was doing the exact opposite of what I intended.
From observing others, and learning from other’s wisdom, I am finding that you meet people by living your life, not by putting it on hold. If you are content, joyful, focused on self-growth, and making the decision to build a life you love, you will attract people (romantic and friendships) on the path to doing the same thing.
Go out and do the thing, or things. The right person will want to run with you. If they don’t, they aren’t for you. Got me? I will repeat it again: IF THEY DON’T, THEY AREN’T FOR YOU.
But here’s the other thing. Whether or not you meet your person, you need to understand that your life is not worthless even if you become an old maid.
There’s such a negative connotation to being a spinster or old maid. And here’s the thing: If you are living a life that is honoring to God, something that you are proud of, and have lots of love around you, then guess what? You have succeeded my friend. You have won in having a successful, full, life.
“Don’t make marriage your ultimate goal. Learn to love yourself, fulfill your dreams, and finish college. Also, remember to praise God and be the best Christian you can while you’re single.”-Rebekah S.
“Live. Don’t miss out on being grateful for the here and now. Life is too precious to waste.”-Cassidy W.
“I always held onto the saying that said, ‘chase after God so fast that only a guy who is chasing God too will keep up’...”-Karis S.
Do. Not. Neglect. The. Self. Care.
We often think of self-care as just eating the cake, taking that bubble bath, etc. However, let’s take it a step further.
Part of building an amazing life while single or in a relationship is making yourself a priority. Taking time to unwind with a bubble bath or color is great. Do those things. We need to do things to clear and steady our minds.
However, I was recently taught about something called “extraordinary self-care”.
This is what it looks like:
-You take yourself out to nice places to eat sometimes. Go out once a month to do something pampering like a pedicure.
-You read self-help books, or listen to podcasts about bettering your life and growing as a person. You might also might involve yourself in personal growth classes and seminars. You seek wise counsel from others.
-You are making your relationship with God a priority.
-You make your appearance more of a priority (not obsessively mind you. But there is a lot of studies that have been done about how taking pride in that is a great boost for one’s mental health)
-You usually eat healthy in a way that works for you, but also treat yourself sometimes.
-You exercise in some way. I bet your doggo would love to go for a walk now that the weather is getting nicer. (You’re welcome, doggos)
-You make time for your girlfriends.
-You make your passions more of a priority. If you have to take baby steps, great! That means you’re making progress.
-Work on making the physical space of your home a place that you can easily unwind in. That means to do your best to keep it clean. Maybe even decorate in a way that sparks joy. Also, go ahead and light those candles and fairy lights. Or diffuse essential oils, if that’s your thing.
-Lastly, if you need it, go get therapy. There is no shame in it. We all need help. Another time, I will do a more in depth article on this. I am actually in therapy right now to help me process a recent trauma. Forcing things down isn’t healthy. If you don’t deal with whatever it is, it is going to eventually explode in an unhealthy manner. Go get the help you need, and stop the cycle of self-destructive behavior.
Also, the next part has to do with pouring more into the church, and other people. And, sweet lady, you can't adequately do that while running on fumes.
So take really good care of yourself, and make it a priority. Jesus came to give us an abundant life. Not burn out. (John 10:10, Matthew 11:28-20.) Also, God is a proponent of rest. It's okay to slow down and take time for you. Jesus did, and encouraged His disciples to do so. (Exodus 20:11, Mark 6:30-32, Mark 4:35-40.)
“Therapy is not a bad thing. Allowing yourself to continue in destructive ‘relationship’ behavior is.” Marisa H.
Use Your Faith to Move the Mountains
It’s hard to be a single Christian sometimes. One of those ways is the heavy emphasis on marriage, marriage, and marriage in Christian circles.
Growing up, so much was taught about preparing for marriage and things connecting to it. We talk more about impacting the kingdom of God in families more so than singles. That really needs to change. But, again, that’s an article for another day.
Don’t get me wrong. Marriage is important. But we tend to be so bad about neglecting our singles in the church. We neglect to mentor and help singles understand their place in God’s kingdom. Honestly, the fact that we don’t pour more into them could very well be a factor of some unhealthy ideas that many singles have. (i.e., something is seriously wrong with me because I am not married yet…)
As a single person, we often have no idea the incredible time, energy, and resources that we hold in the palm of our hands. As single people, we can truly impact the world for Christ in ways that those who are married can’t.
The apostle Paul talks about marriage and singleness in 1 Corinthians 7. Though he touches more on marriage, he writes a few things about singleness that are really interesting.
One, he mentions that he wishes that “all were as myself am [unmarried]” (verse 7) and “it is good for them to remain single, as I am”. (Verse 8.)
He is saying that him being a single man was a huge blessing. Think about it. As a single man, he was able to travel anywhere he wanted, or wherever the Spirit led him.He could help whomever he needed to help, heal whoever he needed to heal. He was not tethered by a family to care for. He was arguably one of the greatest of the apostles.
Peter and some of the other apostles were married. It seemed that, more often, they tended to stay more stationary (such in one place like Jerusalem.) However, there is nothing particularly wrong with this. Even Paul says that people are bestowed different gifts, and to use them for the glory of God (verse 7.) Singleness and marriage are gifts, and each have their own merit.
Your singleness is very much a gift. Just think of all the good that you can do right now. Instead of wasting your time obsessing over where your prince charming is, get off your butt and go do something for the kingdom!
Here are some ideas:
-Volunteer to teach ladies classes, classes for teen girls, or children at church.
-Volunteer to be a coach in a program like Lads to Leaders. (Or, if your region does something different but similar, go help with it.)
-Go on a mission trip. Do it short-term, or take a crazy leap of faith and stay for a year or two. Maybe longer. Watch what God does in your heart and in the lives of others while you’re there. You're single and have lots of time to do things like that. Also, there are a lot of congregations and individuals who can assist you in raising money to do work like that.
-When you hear about a disaster and you have the ability to help, do so. Don’t sit on the couch lamenting the situation. Do something about it.
-Start managing your money more wisely, and set aside a fund every month to help you in case a need comes up that you can help with; whether you run into a homeless person, or someone in the community or church undergoes a tragedy.
-Go get to know some foster kids and mentor them. Seriously, do it. Maybe even look into being a foster Mom yourself, even as a single person. These kids are extremely vulnerable in many ways and need the love of God poured into them. Single people are some of the most perfect people to do this, honestly. Do some research on the crisis in the foster care system and you’ll see how desperate of a need this truly is. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
-Serve at soup kitchens.
-Send cards.
-Start a small group or bible study with other women.
-Start a blog like this one, or find a way to use your personal talents to bring glory to God.
-Become a prayer warrior.
-Go ask at church what some needs are and how you can help.
-Study God’s word. (If you haven’t, I recommend getting involved with Cindy Colley’s Digging Deep Study every year. The study is usually pretty intensive, but the things you learn are incredible.)
There’s a whole lot more I could list, but you get the point. As Christians we are commanded to pour into others and the world around us. We need to take this call from God more seriously.
-Work on making the physical space of your home a place that you can easily unwind in. That means to do your best to keep it clean. Maybe even decorate in a way that sparks joy. Also, go ahead and light those candles and fairy lights. Or diffuse essential oils, if that’s your thing.
-Lastly, if you need it, go get therapy. There is no shame in it. We all need help. Another time, I will do a more in depth article on this. I am actually in therapy right now to help me process a recent trauma. Forcing things down isn’t healthy. If you don’t deal with whatever it is, it is going to eventually explode in an unhealthy manner. Go get the help you need, and stop the cycle of self-destructive behavior.
Also, the next part has to do with pouring more into the church, and other people. And, sweet lady, you can't adequately do that while running on fumes.
So take really good care of yourself, and make it a priority. Jesus came to give us an abundant life. Not burn out. (John 10:10, Matthew 11:28-20.) Also, God is a proponent of rest. It's okay to slow down and take time for you. Jesus did, and encouraged His disciples to do so. (Exodus 20:11, Mark 6:30-32, Mark 4:35-40.)
“Therapy is not a bad thing. Allowing yourself to continue in destructive ‘relationship’ behavior is.” Marisa H.
Use Your Faith to Move the Mountains
It’s hard to be a single Christian sometimes. One of those ways is the heavy emphasis on marriage, marriage, and marriage in Christian circles.
Growing up, so much was taught about preparing for marriage and things connecting to it. We talk more about impacting the kingdom of God in families more so than singles. That really needs to change. But, again, that’s an article for another day.
Don’t get me wrong. Marriage is important. But we tend to be so bad about neglecting our singles in the church. We neglect to mentor and help singles understand their place in God’s kingdom. Honestly, the fact that we don’t pour more into them could very well be a factor of some unhealthy ideas that many singles have. (i.e., something is seriously wrong with me because I am not married yet…)
As a single person, we often have no idea the incredible time, energy, and resources that we hold in the palm of our hands. As single people, we can truly impact the world for Christ in ways that those who are married can’t.
The apostle Paul talks about marriage and singleness in 1 Corinthians 7. Though he touches more on marriage, he writes a few things about singleness that are really interesting.
One, he mentions that he wishes that “all were as myself am [unmarried]” (verse 7) and “it is good for them to remain single, as I am”. (Verse 8.)
He is saying that him being a single man was a huge blessing. Think about it. As a single man, he was able to travel anywhere he wanted, or wherever the Spirit led him.He could help whomever he needed to help, heal whoever he needed to heal. He was not tethered by a family to care for. He was arguably one of the greatest of the apostles.
Peter and some of the other apostles were married. It seemed that, more often, they tended to stay more stationary (such in one place like Jerusalem.) However, there is nothing particularly wrong with this. Even Paul says that people are bestowed different gifts, and to use them for the glory of God (verse 7.) Singleness and marriage are gifts, and each have their own merit.
Your singleness is very much a gift. Just think of all the good that you can do right now. Instead of wasting your time obsessing over where your prince charming is, get off your butt and go do something for the kingdom!
Here are some ideas:
-Volunteer to teach ladies classes, classes for teen girls, or children at church.
-Volunteer to be a coach in a program like Lads to Leaders. (Or, if your region does something different but similar, go help with it.)
-Go on a mission trip. Do it short-term, or take a crazy leap of faith and stay for a year or two. Maybe longer. Watch what God does in your heart and in the lives of others while you’re there. You're single and have lots of time to do things like that. Also, there are a lot of congregations and individuals who can assist you in raising money to do work like that.
-When you hear about a disaster and you have the ability to help, do so. Don’t sit on the couch lamenting the situation. Do something about it.
-Start managing your money more wisely, and set aside a fund every month to help you in case a need comes up that you can help with; whether you run into a homeless person, or someone in the community or church undergoes a tragedy.
-Go get to know some foster kids and mentor them. Seriously, do it. Maybe even look into being a foster Mom yourself, even as a single person. These kids are extremely vulnerable in many ways and need the love of God poured into them. Single people are some of the most perfect people to do this, honestly. Do some research on the crisis in the foster care system and you’ll see how desperate of a need this truly is. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
-Serve at soup kitchens.
-Send cards.
-Start a small group or bible study with other women.
-Start a blog like this one, or find a way to use your personal talents to bring glory to God.
-Become a prayer warrior.
-Go ask at church what some needs are and how you can help.
-Study God’s word. (If you haven’t, I recommend getting involved with Cindy Colley’s Digging Deep Study every year. The study is usually pretty intensive, but the things you learn are incredible.)
There’s a whole lot more I could list, but you get the point. As Christians we are commanded to pour into others and the world around us. We need to take this call from God more seriously.
“...being single does not make you any less of a Christian. Some of the best Christians like Paul were single.”-Christina M.
“Pray for discipline and discernment, then practice it. Study the word and get into groups that are focused on growing in relationship with God.”-Chelsea M.
So again, go make stuff happen. It’s time to be the best single pringles we can be for God. Your life is truly going to be what you choose to make it to be.
Love,
Love,
Chelsea
So much wisdom in this article. I'm so proud of you!
ReplyDeleteThanks Mom! :)
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