Dear Sisters in Christ,
I’m going to be completely honest with you: I may be one of the least qualified people on the planet to talk about the actual process of dating. I’ve only recently started really navigating the world of online dating and taking it seriously. (Also, aren’t older ladies supposed to be matchmakers or something? Where’s my man? Haha. Kidding.)
I haven’t been on an actual date since my first relationship. I have been in a few situations where I have “talked” to quite a few guys, but have not been on actual, real dates since then.
However, the Facebook post I made asking for advice from Christian women and being single, there was a ton of incredible wisdom for dating before marriage. I knew that it would be a shame to waste the incredible things that these ladies had to say.
There will be more wisdom here that come from people I look up to rather than from myself and my experiences (again, because my dating IQ is the size of a hedgehog.)
So without further ado, let us begin.
Beware Embittered Advice
The more I learn, the more I realize that dating does not have to be as scary as we make it out to be. I think the reason it does seem so daunting is that sometimes we are too quick to listen to people who are well-intentioned, but give really bad dating advice.
If there is any advice that I can give to begin, (and this can count for anything in life, honestly) be careful who you accept advice from. Know and try to understand where that advice is coming from. Dating is one aspect of life that people can allow to make them really jaded and bitter.
As an example, I remember hearing a story from my Human Sexuality class in college. A young girl who was engaged had been told by a family member that her sex life was probably going to be miserable her entire marriage. The relative had really bad experiences in that area. But wisdom tells us that there are a plethora of good, sound resources, doctors, counselors, and other things that can really help with things like that. We need only take the time to be bold enough to use or access those resources. This idea can apply to any predicament we find ourselves in.
Same with dating. God did not give us a brain for nothing, ladies. Even if you don’t have a lot of dating experience, you can still learn to be discerning and know when to take certain things with a grain of salt.
“Everyone’s situation is different. What is right for someone else, is not always right for you. Not every size fits all. Take every situation and make it a learning experience.”-Corinne C.
Challenging the idea of “Just Stop Looking”
There is one piece of advice I used to believe whole-heartedly. You’ve probably heard it before or even used it yourself before: “Just stop looking. Then, they will show up.”
Here is my issue with that advice, especially coming from Christians. Maybe in some instances it might work, but normally, things don’t happen in a vacuum. Also, we always tell people to do what they can and put in the work, and God will handle the things outside of our power.
Why is that idea applied to everywhere else but dating and finding a spouse? We tell people to be consistent and intentional with everything else but dating.
The more I learn, the more I realize that dating does not have to be as scary as we make it out to be. I think the reason it does seem so daunting is that sometimes we are too quick to listen to people who are well-intentioned, but give really bad dating advice.
If there is any advice that I can give to begin, (and this can count for anything in life, honestly) be careful who you accept advice from. Know and try to understand where that advice is coming from. Dating is one aspect of life that people can allow to make them really jaded and bitter.
As an example, I remember hearing a story from my Human Sexuality class in college. A young girl who was engaged had been told by a family member that her sex life was probably going to be miserable her entire marriage. The relative had really bad experiences in that area. But wisdom tells us that there are a plethora of good, sound resources, doctors, counselors, and other things that can really help with things like that. We need only take the time to be bold enough to use or access those resources. This idea can apply to any predicament we find ourselves in.
Same with dating. God did not give us a brain for nothing, ladies. Even if you don’t have a lot of dating experience, you can still learn to be discerning and know when to take certain things with a grain of salt.
“Everyone’s situation is different. What is right for someone else, is not always right for you. Not every size fits all. Take every situation and make it a learning experience.”-Corinne C.
Challenging the idea of “Just Stop Looking”
There is one piece of advice I used to believe whole-heartedly. You’ve probably heard it before or even used it yourself before: “Just stop looking. Then, they will show up.”
Here is my issue with that advice, especially coming from Christians. Maybe in some instances it might work, but normally, things don’t happen in a vacuum. Also, we always tell people to do what they can and put in the work, and God will handle the things outside of our power.
Why is that idea applied to everywhere else but dating and finding a spouse? We tell people to be consistent and intentional with everything else but dating.
From what I have been told, if you’re wanting to get married or have a spouse, like everything else, you have to put in some kind of effort. You have to be building connections with others, friendships and otherwise. (Sorry, my fellow introverts!) Attend those singles retreats, devos, or conferences. Ask people to set you up if they know of someone that you might be a good fit with. Maybe even try online dating. Keep learning, keep growing.
This is something that I had not been doing for a very long time. I have made the decision to be brave and go for it. As someone once told me, "You don't get what you don't ask for." Anything worth having takes work, time, and effort.
It makes me think of this story from the movie, Facing the Giants. There were two farmers. One farmer went out and planted his field, the other did not. They both said that they believed that God would bring the harvest. God sent the rain and the sun, but only one farmer yielded crops: the one who planted the seeds. See? God handles the things we cannot control, such as sending the rain and sunshine.
Yes, things do happen in God’s timing and we have to trust it. But, we still need to be tending our fields and nurturing them, or we won’t be adequately prepared for what is coming.
“God will put your person in your life when he is meant to be there. Learn to love yourself for who you are and pray for what God wants your life to be.”-Mikayla T.
“Be patient.”-Bethany E.
Physical Boundaries
This is one topic I feel like I have a lot to speak on. When you do dumb things and learn from them, there is obviously going to be widsom to be pulled from the experience.
If you read the first post on this blog, you basically know my dating history. Oh boy. If I could put a facepalm emoji here, I totally would. So I'll just put a gif instead.
In another section, I will talk about our emotional states and dating. But the reason I allowed my physical boundaries to falter back then was because I did not fully respect myself, and because I was so desperate to be loved.
I am not going to tell you “how far is too far”. But what I am going to to tell you are some things that will help you in deciding on and keeping those physical boundaries. Warning, this section may discuss some relatively sensitive things; but I will try to speak about them in a thoughtful manner. I really believe it is important that you understand them.
Have you ever heard of Oxytocin? Oxytocin is a really cool hormone in the body. It plays a pretty profound role in female sexuality. I will share an article in the footnotes that talk about this, but it’s all over the internet, so you can fact check if you want to do so. (1)
Oxytoxin gets released in different situations: in breastfeeding, giving birth, hugging, kissing, stimulation of the breasts/foreplay, other and sexual activity. Oxytocin helps a woman build a strong attachment to her child as well as her lover (skin to skin contact, especially). It also plays a role in social bonding, but it is released in larger quantities when someone is in love or in sexual activity.
Have you ever wondered why sometimes it is so painful to get over a break up? (Especially one that included a lot of sexual activity.) This has a lot to do with why.
You created an incredibly strong, intimate bond with that person. I think a lot about what the bible says about sex and marriage, becoming “one flesh”. I know there are a lot of things that entails, but I really think this could be part of it. (Genesis 2:24, Ephesian 5:31, Matthew 19:5, Genesis 2:18, 1 Corinthians 6:12-20.)
Don’t believe the lie that so many (including myself) have said, “Oh, we are getting married anyway. It’s probably okay.” I am one of many plethoras of women over many eons that thought the same way. And guess what happened? The relationship did not lead to marriage.
How do you know you’re going to marry him, ladies? Until the moment you say ‘I do’, you do not know what is going to happen in life (James 4:14.) God does not ask things of us to make us miserable. When you look at things He asks us to do, there is a lot of wisdom behind it. As our Father, he loves and cares for us. (John 3:16, 1 Peter 5:7.)
Second, let me offer another bit of advice to you that I heard recently in a podcast. (I will leave a link to the podcast in the footnotes.) (2) It’s not about how far we can go physically, but more about how close we can get to God. A God-Centered relationship is one where both people are encouraging each other’s personal relationships with God.
Lastly, one thing I learned the hard way is that if a guy starts questioning your physical boundaries or thinks they are silly, then you need to run the other direction. I cannot stress this enough. A man who is truly going to seek purity with you is going to respect your boundaries, no questions asked. They will not try to see how far they can push them. As someone who has been there, I urge you to keep your eyes and ears open for this red flag.
“Don’t have sex to keep a guy. Hold out for a faithful Christian man.”-Leah G.
“No man is worth giving up your virtue and values for. And if he makes you feel that being with him is conditional on doing anything you’re uncomfortable with whether it’s sexual or not, he is NOT the man for you. No matter how much it hurts or how lonely you may feel it’s way more worth it to wait and not give in versus feeling shame, regret, or disappointment in the end...Don’t mistake lust for love, and don’t feed into lust even if it feels impossible not to. God provides a way out of situations that tempt us. You may not like it, but take the way out. You’ll thank yourself in the end.”-Chelsea M.
“Don’t have sex to keep a guy. Hold out for a faithful Christian man.”-Leah G.
“No man is worth giving up your virtue and values for. And if he makes you feel that being with him is conditional on doing anything you’re uncomfortable with whether it’s sexual or not, he is NOT the man for you. No matter how much it hurts or how lonely you may feel it’s way more worth it to wait and not give in versus feeling shame, regret, or disappointment in the end...Don’t mistake lust for love, and don’t feed into lust even if it feels impossible not to. God provides a way out of situations that tempt us. You may not like it, but take the way out. You’ll thank yourself in the end.”-Chelsea M.
Being in a Good Headspace
If you are going through grief or an emotional down point, you do not need to be committing to someone. When you have been through something difficult, it can be very hard to make good, sound, decisions. (Hello giant tub of Ben and Jerry’s Half-Baked!) In those situations, your brain is not functioning at its fullest capacity. (Again, another article will linked in footnotes!) (3)
Also, take a good strong look at where you are in your mental health. When I was in my first relationship, I was basically rebounding off the fact that I had recently been rejected. My self-esteem was in the muck, and I was having difficulties at home. So, therefore, me entering into a relationship, especially as fast as my ex and I did, was not healthy.
Go to counseling. Cry it out. Face the problem. Start dealing with bad habits. Pour out your heart to God. Talk to trusted confidantes. Pour into bettering yourself with scripture, podcasts, and self-help books. Seek out wise counsel from church members.
When your headspace finally gets to a clear, sound place to make decisions, then go on all the dates and see what kind of people you meet! I honestly think it would be better to fall more naturally and in a more healthy manner when you don’t have things weighing you down as much.
Online Dating
Okay, there are lot of varied opinions of online dating. I’ve had quite a few people tell me I shouldn’t bother, and that it’s dangerous.
It can most definitely be dangerous, especially if you are not exercising wisdom. When used correctly, it can be a great tool. A good majority of people now are actually meeting their spouses online. (again, sharing another article in the footnotes!) (4)
Here is not how to participate in online dating and some practical advice I have been given:
-Do not, for all that is good an holy, give out personal information like an address or phone number while you are chatting with a guy and just getting to know him on a dating app. Common sense, really. It’s definitely better to just do basic chatting on the dating app itself or via Facebook messenger. If he has an issue with any of that, then you take issue with him and block him.
-If you decide to meet for a first date, go to a VERY public place and drive yourself, or have a close friend drive you. Even better, have the friend eat at the restaurant at another table if possible (I know someone who did this once, and it ended up being a very wise thing to do.) If the guy raises a stink about driving yourself, or complains as to why you won’t just come to his apartment, run the other direction. Block him. Do not collect $200 and pass go.
-Also, if you can, try to date people that you can ask others in your circles about. There are now dating apps that connect to Facebook and can match you with people that are connected to your Facebook friends in some way. That is an incredible tool that you can definitely utilize. And for those who are reading and are members of churches of Christ like myself, Church of Christ singles is another option. Especially since there are so many church members in one place, it can make it a little easier to find mutual friends on Facebook and get the up and up on them.
-If you’re on a dating app or site that doesn't cater to specific religions (like Match or eHarmony) then it may sometimes be harder to fish through to find someone who’s values match up with yours. Unless someone specifically says what church they attend, it can be difficult to know for sure before you message them. Oftentimes, profiles will have information about whether they smoke, drink, do drugs, their political leanings, religion, etc. Also, side note, if you are a dude reading this and you are a member of the church of Christ on one of these dating sites, please, please put that you are on your profile! It’s already hard enough to find you guys. Help us ladies out a little.
What To Look For
For Christians, there are some important things to look for. Also, as you read this list, make sure that you are working on being these things as well. If you want a man that seeks after these things, then you have to make sure that you are also doing them in your life.
-Look for a man who seeks out purity, and respects your boundaries. Look for someone who is mindful and careful in the things he chooses to watch and do. Meaning, he has standards that he sets for himself, and cares about filling his mind with positive, pure things. (Philippians 4:8)
If you are going through grief or an emotional down point, you do not need to be committing to someone. When you have been through something difficult, it can be very hard to make good, sound, decisions. (Hello giant tub of Ben and Jerry’s Half-Baked!) In those situations, your brain is not functioning at its fullest capacity. (Again, another article will linked in footnotes!) (3)
Also, take a good strong look at where you are in your mental health. When I was in my first relationship, I was basically rebounding off the fact that I had recently been rejected. My self-esteem was in the muck, and I was having difficulties at home. So, therefore, me entering into a relationship, especially as fast as my ex and I did, was not healthy.
Go to counseling. Cry it out. Face the problem. Start dealing with bad habits. Pour out your heart to God. Talk to trusted confidantes. Pour into bettering yourself with scripture, podcasts, and self-help books. Seek out wise counsel from church members.
When your headspace finally gets to a clear, sound place to make decisions, then go on all the dates and see what kind of people you meet! I honestly think it would be better to fall more naturally and in a more healthy manner when you don’t have things weighing you down as much.
Online Dating
Okay, there are lot of varied opinions of online dating. I’ve had quite a few people tell me I shouldn’t bother, and that it’s dangerous.
It can most definitely be dangerous, especially if you are not exercising wisdom. When used correctly, it can be a great tool. A good majority of people now are actually meeting their spouses online. (again, sharing another article in the footnotes!) (4)
Here is not how to participate in online dating and some practical advice I have been given:
-Do not, for all that is good an holy, give out personal information like an address or phone number while you are chatting with a guy and just getting to know him on a dating app. Common sense, really. It’s definitely better to just do basic chatting on the dating app itself or via Facebook messenger. If he has an issue with any of that, then you take issue with him and block him.
-If you decide to meet for a first date, go to a VERY public place and drive yourself, or have a close friend drive you. Even better, have the friend eat at the restaurant at another table if possible (I know someone who did this once, and it ended up being a very wise thing to do.) If the guy raises a stink about driving yourself, or complains as to why you won’t just come to his apartment, run the other direction. Block him. Do not collect $200 and pass go.
-Also, if you can, try to date people that you can ask others in your circles about. There are now dating apps that connect to Facebook and can match you with people that are connected to your Facebook friends in some way. That is an incredible tool that you can definitely utilize. And for those who are reading and are members of churches of Christ like myself, Church of Christ singles is another option. Especially since there are so many church members in one place, it can make it a little easier to find mutual friends on Facebook and get the up and up on them.
-If you’re on a dating app or site that doesn't cater to specific religions (like Match or eHarmony) then it may sometimes be harder to fish through to find someone who’s values match up with yours. Unless someone specifically says what church they attend, it can be difficult to know for sure before you message them. Oftentimes, profiles will have information about whether they smoke, drink, do drugs, their political leanings, religion, etc. Also, side note, if you are a dude reading this and you are a member of the church of Christ on one of these dating sites, please, please put that you are on your profile! It’s already hard enough to find you guys. Help us ladies out a little.
What To Look For
For Christians, there are some important things to look for. Also, as you read this list, make sure that you are working on being these things as well. If you want a man that seeks after these things, then you have to make sure that you are also doing them in your life.
-Look for a man who seeks out purity, and respects your boundaries. Look for someone who is mindful and careful in the things he chooses to watch and do. Meaning, he has standards that he sets for himself, and cares about filling his mind with positive, pure things. (Philippians 4:8)
-He is Kingdom minded. This means that he has a heart for the church and being a servant. He has a heart for using his talents for the glory of God. He wants to lead others to a knowledge of the truth.
-He can stay consistently employed.
-He treats you really well. (Treat yourself well, and surround yourself with people who treat you well, so you know how to really recognize it!)
-He is loving and compassionate. He is kind and respectful to the janitor, and the CEO. One of the best ways to test this is to put the name of the guy your dating in place of the world ‘love’ in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (this came from a Facebook friend, Samantha L.):
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…” (NLT)
Another side of this is that a man also knows how to be gracious to those who disagree with him. From what I have been told by many married couples, you are not going to agree on everything. The key is that he can have a conversation with you, and accept the fact that you may disagree on something.
If he shares things that makes fun of others on social media, or shares or says hateful things about people he disagree with, that’s a red flag. He will more than likely behave that way towards you.
In a Christian marriage relationship, submission is a part of the picture. It has nothing to do with him Lording over you and bossing you around. Submission says that you allow someone to be in charge, kind of how the church is to Jesus. In a marriage, a man in leadership works alongside his wife and holds her in high regard. He respects her, and cherishes her. (Ephesians 5:22-29, MSG)
Note that, before marriage, this does not apply. Before marriage, there needs to be a mutual respect between people who are in a dating relationship. However, do not give a boyfriend husband privileges. If a boyfriend starts demanding that you do, then you need to run in the other direction. That behavior denotes a lack of humility, and screams that he does not have what it takes to be a leader in the ways the scripture describes above.
-You like his friends, and he respects his Mama. Let me let you in on something that I wish someone had told me years ago, and I see it now, looking back. You know the adage, “Birds of a Feather, flock together”? Remember that saying when you are dating a guy. Oftentimes, people will become friends with people who are similar to them in a lot of ways, or have a lot in common.
-He can stay consistently employed.
-He treats you really well. (Treat yourself well, and surround yourself with people who treat you well, so you know how to really recognize it!)
-He is loving and compassionate. He is kind and respectful to the janitor, and the CEO. One of the best ways to test this is to put the name of the guy your dating in place of the world ‘love’ in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (this came from a Facebook friend, Samantha L.):
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…” (NLT)
Another side of this is that a man also knows how to be gracious to those who disagree with him. From what I have been told by many married couples, you are not going to agree on everything. The key is that he can have a conversation with you, and accept the fact that you may disagree on something.
If he shares things that makes fun of others on social media, or shares or says hateful things about people he disagree with, that’s a red flag. He will more than likely behave that way towards you.
In a Christian marriage relationship, submission is a part of the picture. It has nothing to do with him Lording over you and bossing you around. Submission says that you allow someone to be in charge, kind of how the church is to Jesus. In a marriage, a man in leadership works alongside his wife and holds her in high regard. He respects her, and cherishes her. (Ephesians 5:22-29, MSG)
Note that, before marriage, this does not apply. Before marriage, there needs to be a mutual respect between people who are in a dating relationship. However, do not give a boyfriend husband privileges. If a boyfriend starts demanding that you do, then you need to run in the other direction. That behavior denotes a lack of humility, and screams that he does not have what it takes to be a leader in the ways the scripture describes above.
-You like his friends, and he respects his Mama. Let me let you in on something that I wish someone had told me years ago, and I see it now, looking back. You know the adage, “Birds of a Feather, flock together”? Remember that saying when you are dating a guy. Oftentimes, people will become friends with people who are similar to them in a lot of ways, or have a lot in common.
If you find yourself not liking the friends of the person you’re dating, that’s a clue that he may behave in a similar way. If his friends start cracking very inappropriate or demeaning jokes, and he does not stop them or call them out on it, then there is a good chance he does as well. If he tells you that you are overreacting to those jokes, that is another red flag.
Secondly, another red flag is how he treats his Mom. If he is constantly making fun of her, belittling her, or anything like that, then you can expect that he will do that to you too.
-Lastly, do not date someone for their potential. Advice I often hear is to not stay with someone for who they have the potential to be. Everyone has potential. But you should only marry someone if you are happy with who they are now. You cannot hold onto the idea that they will “eventually become better.” I did this.
I kept thinking things would get better, that he would grow and mature spiritually. In the time we dated, he made more excuses about skipping out on studying the bible and praying together. He never really changed in regard to the company he chose to keep, what he entertained himself with, and how he spoke to his Mom. If we had married, we would have been miserable.
Potential is not what your dating relationships should hang on. They should hang on your mutual love for God and serving others. It should hang on pushing one another to meet your goals and growing as individuals. It should be about building friendship and laughing together. Those are truly the things that matter the most.
“Never marry out of your faith. It can be done, but it’s so hard. Marrying a non-Christian is also hard. It can be done, but it’s a struggle on your marriage.”-Dorenda F.
“Align yourself with Christ, and find someone who is like-minded. Be honest about your expectations and keep yourselves pure.”-Donna W.
Let’s move forward in using wisdom when it comes to dating. Myself included. Hopefully we can get to a spot when God puts the right person in our life. And when that happens, we can say this:
Love,
Chelsea
Secondly, another red flag is how he treats his Mom. If he is constantly making fun of her, belittling her, or anything like that, then you can expect that he will do that to you too.
-Lastly, do not date someone for their potential. Advice I often hear is to not stay with someone for who they have the potential to be. Everyone has potential. But you should only marry someone if you are happy with who they are now. You cannot hold onto the idea that they will “eventually become better.” I did this.
I kept thinking things would get better, that he would grow and mature spiritually. In the time we dated, he made more excuses about skipping out on studying the bible and praying together. He never really changed in regard to the company he chose to keep, what he entertained himself with, and how he spoke to his Mom. If we had married, we would have been miserable.
Potential is not what your dating relationships should hang on. They should hang on your mutual love for God and serving others. It should hang on pushing one another to meet your goals and growing as individuals. It should be about building friendship and laughing together. Those are truly the things that matter the most.
“Never marry out of your faith. It can be done, but it’s so hard. Marrying a non-Christian is also hard. It can be done, but it’s a struggle on your marriage.”-Dorenda F.
“Align yourself with Christ, and find someone who is like-minded. Be honest about your expectations and keep yourselves pure.”-Donna W.
Let’s move forward in using wisdom when it comes to dating. Myself included. Hopefully we can get to a spot when God puts the right person in our life. And when that happens, we can say this:
Love,
Chelsea
------------
Resources:
1. Oxytocin: The Love Hormone?-Medical News Today.
2. Girls Night #34: How Do you Keep God at the Center of Your Relationship? Podcast by Stephanie May Wilson.
3. Before and After Loss: A Neurologist's Perspective on Loss, Grief, and the Brain. Lisa M. Shulman, MD. John Hopkins University Press.
4. 27 Online Dating Sites & What They Mean for the Future of Dating. Hayley Matthews. DatingNews.com.
2. Girls Night #34: How Do you Keep God at the Center of Your Relationship? Podcast by Stephanie May Wilson.
3. Before and After Loss: A Neurologist's Perspective on Loss, Grief, and the Brain. Lisa M. Shulman, MD. John Hopkins University Press.
4. 27 Online Dating Sites & What They Mean for the Future of Dating. Hayley Matthews. DatingNews.com.
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