Dear Reader,
10 years can change so much.
I am sitting here reminiscing on who I used to be. This was a time when I was a young woman who couldn’t, wouldn’t value herself. A time when I so desperately wanted to be loved.
She was young woman who wanted another’s love so badly that she was willing to ignore and overlook when boundaries were crossed. She was willing to ignore assault and emotional abuse. She was willing to put up with mood swings from a man who was unable to love her. She gave much but received so little in return.
She believed for so long that it was all her fault. She believed his problems were her responsibility to shoulder. She believed the lie that it was her responsibility to straighten him out.
Her whole life, time and time again, she tried to love people who couldn’t love her. And when good guys looked her way and tried offer their hand to her, she was too hyper-focused on other men who couldn’t return her feelings.
While I thought I valued myself and lived in God’s love, many of my choices reflected the complete opposite of that. Childhood trauma and emotional abuse led me to believe deep down that I was unworthy of good things. I saw myself as so small, and insignificant.
However, what I desperately needed was to love myself. But even more important, to bask in the love of a man who gave His whole life to love me: Jesus.
I needed to grasp for His love. I needed to hold it tightly in my hands, and hold it to my heart with all my might.
Chapters 1&2 of Ephesians tell us this about who we are to God, and the gifts He gives us:
*He chose us. (1:5,11)
*Redemption and forgiveness. (1:7)
*The Holy Spirit (The seal of our Salvation) (1:13)
*Mercy and Love (2:4)
*New Life (2:5)
*We are citizens and saints of His Kingdom (2:19)
Reading these chapters, it is such a powerful reminder of how much God cherishes us. Or to read scriptures such as John 3:16, Romans 5:8, Romans 8:37-39, or 1 John 3:1.
What has ten years been teaching me?
That God deeply loves and cares for me and considers me. So much so that it's overwhelming and unfathomable. I can look back and see the ways His hand has been in my life. Though I make and have made foolish decisions, He’s never left. Though there are times I have rejected His love and believed lies about myself, He’s never wavered in His love for me.
God will be my anchor in times when I can’t see the goodness in myself, and I know He will bring me into the light again. And, I think that to some extent, we probably all struggle to value and love ourselves the way we should. I think we all struggle with the idea that it’s OKAY to love ourselves.
God deemed His creation good. We are the most cherished and beloved of all He created. We are of far more value to Him than the flowers or even the sparrows. (Matthew 6:25-29)
One of the most difficult parts of my life has been struggling to believe that I matter to God. Yet, the truth is there: in His scriptures and the ways He intervenes in my life from day to day.
So I will keep it short: in the month of love, let this encourage you: It's okay to give yourself grace. You matter to God.
Love,
Chelsea
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