The Art of Keeping Your Brain Cells During Social Distancing

Dear Sisters in Christ,

Mental health is so important. And, right now, with the issues with COVID-19, and social isolation, people may begin to suffer more with mental health issues.


Mental health is a personal struggle for me. I struggle with Depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. These issues tend to become worse if I am in a situation where I am isolated for too long. I may be an introvert, but I definitely need my people.

So, I decided this would be a very helpful article to write for myself and for others who find themselves in the same situation. I got some information out in the internet world, and from Facebook about ways in which to help keep our minds in a good head space.

If you have mental health issues, please take it seriously and take care of yourself at this time. Be diligent about practicing self-care.

Keep yourself busy.

Overwhelmingly, this was the number one thing that was said on Facebook. People are just generally finding more time for hobbies and such. And, I agree. For me, This time really gives me time to focus on doing more with my blog, art projects, and reading. For some, people were saying that they were taking up new hobbies.

No, dust collecting doesn't count as a new hobby.

When you can stay focused on different things that you enjoy, it can do great things for the brain. Art, even if you’re not good at it, can be very therapeutic (1.) Try coloring, doodling, painting, or even finger paint with the kiddos. Get messy and just enjoy it.


“I’m taking time to create, which I don’t get to do often with 3 kids. I’ve been doing a big paint by number and crocheting.”- Valerie M.

Keep a routine, and take care of yourself
I know. You’re off work and you kind of see this as a massive staycation; so of course you want to catch some extra Zzz’s. It’s okay to sleep in a little. However, whenever things get back to normal, you might be paying for it by staying up until cockadoodle doo O’clock in the morning each night. You’re going to have a hard time getting back into a schedule.

(Also, I’ve found that having an erratic sleep schedule makes me feel like someone dropped an anvil on my head.)






And girl, when you aren’t sleeping well, you are not going to be any good for anybody, including yourself. When you hit PMS, or your period, you’re probably going to be a nightmare and a half. Go. To. Bed. Do yourself and those you love a favor by getting those 7+ hours of sleep.

Not only that, but get up, make your bed, shower, and get dressed. Make yourself look at least half-way presentable. Having a routine helps create a sense of balance and normalcy, and can reduce anxiety. (2.) Sitting in your PJs and bed-head all day is a sure-fire way to encourage depressive symptoms and thoughts.

I know for me, I love getting dressed up and feeling feminine. Putting on a pretty dress, making my hair look nice, putting on my A Thousand Wishes body spray, and wearing a sparkly necklace makes me feel so good. 

Maybe even take some time to put an outfit together for the next day. Let yourself get excited at the prospect of the outfit you’re going to wear when you get up. Wear something that puts a grin on your face. Embrace your femininity and let it overflow.

Also, exercise. Exercise releases feel-good hormones, as does being outside. It has been proven scientifically that consistent exercise is good for depression and anxiety disorders. And, no, you don’t have to do a million burpees (Really, ew) to get this effect. All you really need is to do some basic yoga or even taking a walk out in nature. (Yes, you can leave your house, unless authorities say otherwise.) 

I love taking walks outside. Other than swimming or doing an elliptical (yes, this ball of fluff surprisingly likes ellipticals.) I have to say that yoga or walking are my favorite forms of exercise. They really clear my head, and feel more calm and at ease. I love listening to the birds sing, seeing spider-webs sparkle in the sun, and hearing the breeze against the foliage. I love getting to bring my dog with me and enjoy her company as well.

“Making sure I’m still making my bed, getting ready first thing in the morning, cleaning the house, doing my hair-even though I won’t see anyone but my family-mainly just keeping a routine and having goals so that I won’t fall into a depression.”-Michelle N.


“Exercise! I do a 20-30 minute home workout video from BeachBody....Physical activity makes my brain feel better anyway, and moving my body keeps me from sitting still all day long.” -Caroline B.



Spend Extra Time With your Pets

It’s also been proven that animals have a great impact on mental health. Also, if you don’t have kids, it can give you a sense of satisfaction for caring for something. They have a calming effect on people. Animals are great at sensing their owner’s emotions. (3)

I know for me, my dog senses when I am upset or sad. She gets more clingy with me, and tries to lick my face more. When I can pet her or snuggle with her, it definitely helps me to ground and calm me down. She is pretty much my emotional support animal.

Video Chat and Phone Calls

Whether or not you identify as an introvert, we need to be interacting with one another. With so many churches cancelling regular services and switching to livestream, (or doing nothing at all) it can be hard to get that social interaction we need.

Despite me being an introvert, if I get too cut off from people, I wilt. My mental health starts to go down hill. Being able to chat with loved ones is truly cathartic for me, either through text or through video chat or phone. Seeing a text of encouragement from someone I love really lifts my spirits (one of my love languages is Words of Affirmation after all). 

“I like to video chat with people. I’ve been in the habit of video chatting my sister for a while but I’m also messaging other people and sending distractions.” -Christina M.

“Praying a lot, staying closely connected to family, checking on church family and praying some more!”-Donna L.


Turn off the stinkin’ news

Yes. You heard me. One of the number one things that I saw in articles about mental health in this situation was to stop monitoring the news so much. ESPECIALLY our American media that thrives and makes money off of scaring people. It’s not doing anybody a bit of good to hear every horror story that comes out about COVID-19.

Is the situation bad? Yes. Yes it is. But, there are also good things going on. Focus on that instead. Watch funny animal videos (there is this absolutely darling Peekaboo Cockatoo video you must see), watch Disney +, watch The Office. Whatever you do, just stop focusing on the news so much.

It’s one thing to pay attention to local news sources about the situation in your area, or to check once or twice a week on the situation. I get it, we want to know what is going on. But spending so much time worrying about the situation will hurt you more than help you. It’s important to realize that, if you’re not careful, your obsession and anxiety about the situation could become an idol.

God has asked us not to worry. Pray, use wisdom, listen to the experts, practice social distancing, and wash your stinkin’ hands. That’s what you have to do right now. So do it, and quit worrying about the worst possible outcome. That never does anybody any good. (Matthew 6:25-34.)



Lastly, Invest in Your Spiritual Life

Right now, this is probably the absolute best thing we can possibly do. Sing hymns and worship songs. Sit down and read your bible. Read a study book. Spend an hour in prayer pouring out your heart to God and every little thing you’re feeling and struggling with. Make art based on scriptures you’re reading. Participate in online studies. Join a facebook group based on spiritual encouragement. (Some friends and I run a facebook group called Sister Keepers if you are interested.)

Use this time to really deepen your relationship with God. Put aside the video games, the streaming, and whatever else for a certain amount of time every day just to commune with God. Take advantage of it, and see how much deeper God can bring you in your faith. Try to see this as a great opportunity to really dig in and connect with Him better.

We’ll get through this. It won’t be forever.

Love,

Chelsea





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References

1. https://www.inquirer.com/health/coronavirus/coronavirus-mental-health-social-distancing-20200319.html

2. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-gen-y-psy/201810/the-power-routines-in-your-mental-health

3. https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/p/pets-and-mental-health

4.https://www.health.com/condition/infectious-diseases/coronavirus/social-distancing-mental-health

The Christian Single Pringle's Guide to Not Making (Really) Dumb Decisions In Dating

Dear Sisters in Christ,

I’m going to be completely honest with you: I may be one of the least qualified people on the planet to talk about the actual process of dating. I’ve only recently started really navigating the world of online dating and taking it seriously. (Also, aren’t older ladies supposed to be matchmakers or something? Where’s my man? Haha. Kidding.)


I haven’t been on an actual date since my first relationship. I have been in a few situations where I have “talked” to quite a few guys, but have not been on actual, real dates since then.


However, the Facebook post I made asking for advice from Christian women and being single, there was a ton of incredible wisdom for dating before marriage. I knew that it would be a shame to waste the incredible things that these ladies had to say.


There will be more wisdom here that come from people I look up to rather than from myself and my experiences (again, because my dating IQ is the size of a hedgehog.)


So without further ado, let us begin.

Beware Embittered Advice

The more I learn, the more I realize that dating does not have to be as scary as we make it out to be. I think the reason it does seem so daunting is that sometimes we are too quick to listen to people who are well-intentioned, but give really bad dating advice.


If there is any advice that I can give to begin, (and this can count for anything in life, honestly) be careful who you accept advice from. Know and try to understand where that advice is coming from. Dating is one aspect of life that people can allow to make them really jaded and bitter.

As an example, I remember hearing a story from my Human Sexuality class in college. A young girl who was engaged had been told by a family member that her sex life was probably going to be miserable her entire marriage. The relative had really bad experiences in that area. But wisdom tells us that there are a plethora of good, sound resources, doctors, counselors, and other things that can really help with things like that. We need only take the time to be bold enough to use or access those resources. This idea can apply to any predicament we find ourselves in.


Same with dating. God did not give us a brain for nothing, ladies. Even if you don’t have a lot of dating experience, you can still learn to be discerning and know when to take certain things with a grain of salt.


“Everyone’s situation is different. What is right for someone else, is not always right for you. Not every size fits all. Take every situation and make it a learning experience.”-Corinne C.


Challenging the idea of “Just Stop Looking”

There is one piece of advice I used to believe whole-heartedly. You’ve probably heard it before or even used it yourself before: “Just stop looking. Then, they will show up.”

Here is my issue with that advice, especially coming from Christians. Maybe in some instances it might work, but normally, things don’t happen in a vacuum. Also, we always tell people to do what they can and put in the work, and God will handle the things outside of our power.


Why is that idea applied to everywhere else but dating and finding a spouse? We tell people to be consistent and intentional with everything else but dating.

From what I have been told, if you’re wanting to get married or have a spouse, like everything else, you have to put in some kind of effort. You have to be building connections with others, friendships and otherwise.  (Sorry, my fellow introverts!) Attend those singles retreats, devos, or conferences. Ask people to set you up if they know of someone that you might be a good fit with. Maybe even try online dating. Keep learning, keep growing. 

This is something that I had not been doing for a very long time. I have made the decision to be brave and go for it. As someone once told me, "You don't get what you don't ask for." Anything worth having takes work, time, and effort.

It makes me think of this story from the movie, Facing the Giants. There were two farmers. One farmer went out and planted his field, the other did not. They both said that they believed that God would bring the harvest. God sent the rain and the sun, but only one farmer yielded crops: the one who planted the seeds. See? God handles the things we cannot control, such as sending the rain and sunshine.

Yes, things do happen in God’s timing and we have to trust it. But, we still need to be tending our fields and nurturing them, or we won’t be adequately prepared for what is coming.

“God will put your person in your life when he is meant to be there. Learn to love yourself for who you are and pray for what God wants your life to be.”-Mikayla T.

“Be patient.”-Bethany E.


Physical Boundaries
This is one topic I feel like I have a lot to speak on. When you do dumb things and learn from them, there is obviously going to be widsom to be pulled from the experience.

If you read the first post on this blog, you basically know my dating history. Oh boy. If I could put a facepalm emoji here, I totally would. So I'll just put a gif instead.

In another section, I will talk about our emotional states and dating. But the reason I allowed my physical boundaries to falter back then was because I did not fully respect myself, and because I was so desperate to be loved.

I am not going to tell you “how far is too far”. But what I am going to to tell you are some things that will help you in deciding on and keeping those physical boundaries. Warning, this section may discuss some relatively sensitive things; but I will try to speak about them in a thoughtful manner. I really believe it is important that you understand them.

Have you ever heard of Oxytocin? Oxytocin is a really cool hormone in the body. It plays a pretty profound role in female sexuality. I will share an article in the footnotes that talk about this, but it’s all over the internet, so you can fact check if you want to do so. (1)

Oxytoxin gets released in different situations: in breastfeeding, giving birth, hugging, kissing, stimulation of the breasts/foreplay, other and sexual activity. Oxytocin helps a woman build a strong attachment to her child as well as her lover (skin to skin contact, especially). It also plays a role in social bonding, but it is released in larger quantities when someone is in love or in sexual activity.

Have you ever wondered why sometimes it is so painful to get over a break up? (Especially one that included a lot of sexual activity.) This has a lot to do with why.

You created an incredibly strong, intimate bond with that person. I think a lot about what the bible says about sex and marriage, becoming “one flesh”. I know there are a lot of things that entails, but I really think this could be part of it. (Genesis 2:24, Ephesian 5:31, Matthew 19:5, Genesis 2:18, 1 Corinthians 6:12-20.)

Don’t believe the lie that so many (including myself) have said, “Oh, we are getting married anyway. It’s probably okay.” I am one of many plethoras of women over many eons that thought the same way. And guess what happened? The relationship did not lead to marriage.

How do you know you’re going to marry him, ladies? Until the moment you say ‘I do’, you do not know what is going to happen in life (James 4:14.) God does not ask things of us to make us miserable. When you look at things He asks us to do, there is a lot of wisdom behind it. As our Father, he loves and cares for us. (John 3:16, 1 Peter 5:7.)

Second, let me offer another bit of advice to you that I heard recently in a podcast. (I will leave a link to the podcast in the footnotes.) (2) It’s not about how far we can go physically, but more about how close we can get to God. A God-Centered relationship is one where both people are encouraging each other’s personal relationships with God.

Lastly, one thing I learned the hard way is that if a guy starts questioning your physical boundaries or thinks they are silly, then you need to run the other direction. I cannot stress this enough. A man who is truly going to seek purity with you is going to respect your boundaries, no questions asked. They will not try to see how far they can push them. As someone who has been there, I urge you to keep your eyes and ears open for this red flag.

“Don’t have sex to keep a guy. Hold out for a faithful Christian man.”-Leah G.

“No man is worth giving up your virtue and values for. And if he makes you feel that being with him is conditional on doing anything you’re uncomfortable with whether it’s sexual or not, he is NOT the man for you. No matter how much it hurts or how lonely you may feel it’s way more worth it to wait and not give in versus feeling shame, regret, or disappointment in the end...Don’t mistake lust for love, and don’t feed into lust even if it feels impossible not to. God provides a way out of situations that tempt us. You may not like it, but take the way out. You’ll thank yourself in the end.”-Chelsea M.

Being in a Good Headspace

If you are going through grief or an emotional down point, you do not need to be committing to someone. When you have been through something difficult, it can be very hard to make good, sound, decisions. (Hello giant tub of Ben and Jerry’s Half-Baked!) In those situations, your brain is not functioning at its fullest capacity. (Again, another article will linked in footnotes!) (3)

Also, take a good strong look at where you are in your mental health. When I was in my first relationship, I was basically rebounding off the fact that I had recently been rejected. My self-esteem was in the muck, and I was having difficulties at home. So, therefore, me entering into a relationship, especially as fast as my ex and I did, was not healthy.

Go to counseling. Cry it out. Face the problem. Start dealing with bad habits. Pour out your heart to God. Talk to trusted confidantes. Pour into bettering yourself with scripture, podcasts, and self-help books. Seek out wise counsel from church members.

When your headspace finally gets to a clear, sound place to make decisions, then go on all the dates and see what kind of people you meet! I honestly think it would be better to fall more naturally and in a more healthy manner when you don’t have things weighing you down as much.


Online Dating

Okay, there are lot of varied opinions of online dating. I’ve had quite a few people tell me I shouldn’t bother, and that it’s dangerous.

It can most definitely be dangerous, especially if you are not exercising wisdom. When used correctly, it can be a great tool. A good majority of people now are actually meeting their spouses online. (again, sharing another article in the footnotes!) (4)

Here is not how to participate in online dating and some practical advice I have been given:

-Do not, for all that is good an holy, give out personal information like an address or phone number while you are chatting with a guy and just getting to know him on a dating app. Common sense, really. It’s definitely better to just do basic chatting on the dating app itself or via Facebook messenger. If he has an issue with any of that, then you take issue with him and block him.

-If you decide to meet for a first date, go to a VERY public place and drive yourself, or have a close friend drive you. Even better, have the friend eat at the restaurant at another table if possible (I know someone who did this once, and it ended up being a very wise thing to do.) If the guy raises a stink about driving yourself, or complains as to why you won’t just come to his apartment, run the other direction. Block him. Do not collect $200 and pass go.

-Also, if you can, try to date people that you can ask others in your circles about. There are now dating apps that connect to Facebook and can match you with people that are connected to your Facebook friends in some way. That is an incredible tool that you can definitely utilize. And for those who are reading and are members of churches of Christ like myself, Church of Christ singles is another option. Especially since there are so many church members in one place, it can make it a little easier to find mutual friends on Facebook and get the up and up on them.

-If you’re on a dating app or site that doesn't cater to specific religions (like Match or eHarmony) then it may sometimes be harder to fish through to find someone who’s values match up with yours. Unless someone specifically says what church they attend, it can be difficult to know for sure before you message them. Oftentimes, profiles will have information about whether they smoke, drink, do drugs, their political leanings, religion, etc. Also, side note, if you are a dude reading this and you are a member of the church of Christ on one of these dating sites, please, please put that you are on your profile! It’s already hard enough to find you guys. Help us ladies out a little.


What To Look For

For Christians, there are some important things to look for. Also, as you read this list, make sure that you are working on being these things as well. If you want a man that seeks after these things, then you have to make sure that you are also doing them in your life.

-Look for a man who seeks out purity, and respects your boundaries. Look for someone who is mindful and careful in the things he chooses to watch and do. Meaning, he has standards that he sets for himself, and cares about filling his mind with positive, pure things. (Philippians 4:8)

-He is Kingdom minded. This means that he has a heart for the church and being a servant. He has a heart for using his talents for the glory of God. He wants to lead others to a knowledge of the truth.

-He can stay consistently employed.

-He treats you really well. (Treat yourself well, and surround yourself with people who treat you well, so you know how to really recognize it!)

-He is loving and compassionate. He is kind and respectful to the janitor, and the CEO. One of the best ways to test this is to put the name of the guy your dating in place of the world ‘love’ in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (this came from a Facebook friend, Samantha L.):

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance…” (NLT)

Another side of this is that a man also knows how to be gracious to those who disagree with him. From what I have been told by many married couples, you are not going to agree on everything. The key is that he can have a conversation with you, and accept the fact that you may disagree on something.

If he shares things that makes fun of others on social media, or shares or says hateful things about people he disagree with, that’s a red flag. He will more than likely behave that way towards you.

In a Christian marriage relationship, submission is a part of the picture. It has nothing to do with him Lording over you and bossing you around. Submission says that you allow someone to be in charge, kind of how the church is to Jesus. In a marriage, a man in leadership works alongside his wife and holds her in high regard. He respects her, and cherishes her. (Ephesians 5:22-29, MSG)

Note that, before marriage, this does not apply. Before marriage, there needs to be a mutual respect between people who are in a dating relationship. However, do not give a boyfriend husband privileges. If a boyfriend starts demanding that you do, then you need to run in the other direction. That behavior denotes a lack of humility, and screams that he does not have what it takes to be a leader in the ways the scripture describes above.

-You like his friends, and he respects his Mama. Let me let you in on something that I wish someone had told me years ago, and I see it now, looking back. You know the adage, “Birds of a Feather, flock together”? Remember that saying when you are dating a guy. Oftentimes, people will become friends with people who are similar to them in a lot of ways, or have a lot in common. 

If you find yourself not liking the friends of the person you’re dating, that’s a clue that he may behave in a similar way. If his friends start cracking very inappropriate or demeaning jokes, and he does not stop them or call them out on it, then there is a good chance he does as well. If he tells you that you are overreacting to those jokes, that is another red flag.

Secondly, another red flag is how he treats his Mom. If he is constantly making fun of her, belittling her, or anything like that, then you can expect that he will do that to you too.

-Lastly, do not date someone for their potential. Advice I often hear is to not stay with someone for who they have the potential to be. Everyone has potential. But you should only marry someone if you are happy with who they are now. You cannot hold onto the idea that they will “eventually become better.” I did this.

I kept thinking things would get better, that he would grow and mature spiritually. In the time we dated, he made more excuses about skipping out on studying the bible and praying together. He never really changed in regard to the company he chose to keep, what he entertained himself with, and how he spoke to his Mom. If we had married, we would have been miserable.

Potential is not what your dating relationships should hang on. They should hang on your mutual love for God and serving others. It should hang on pushing one another to meet your goals and growing as individuals. It should be about building friendship and laughing together. Those are truly the things that matter the most.

“Never marry out of your faith. It can be done, but it’s so hard. Marrying a non-Christian is also hard. It can be done, but it’s a struggle on your marriage.”-Dorenda F.

“Align yourself with Christ, and find someone who is like-minded. Be honest about your expectations and keep yourselves pure.”-Donna W.

Let’s move forward in using wisdom when it comes to dating. Myself included. Hopefully we can get to a spot when God puts the right person in our life. And when that happens, we can say this:

Love,

Chelsea

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Resources:

1. Oxytocin: The Love Hormone?-Medical News Today.

2. Girls Night #34: How Do you Keep God at the Center of Your Relationship? Podcast by Stephanie May Wilson.

3. Before and After Loss: A Neurologist's Perspective on Loss, Grief, and the Brain. Lisa M. Shulman, MD. John Hopkins University Press.

4. 27 Online Dating Sites & What They Mean for the Future of Dating. Hayley Matthews. DatingNews.com. 

The Single Pringle's Guide to Getting off Your Butt and Living Your Best Life.

Dear Sisters in Christ,

If you have kept up with my posts to this point you know that I have been extremely single since my early twenties.

Very single.

Single with no other pringle.

Bad rhyming jokes aside, I do want to say that, as a whole, this time of singleness has actually been pretty awesome.

I was not ready to get married back in my early twenties. There were so many things I needed to heal through, mature in, and figure out about myself. This journey has been one of many tears, lessons, but also laughter and joy.

I want to begin saying this: Singleness is not a disease. You are not warped, weird, or bad for being single. Your worth does not depend in any way, shape, or form on your romantic involvement.






And you need to believe it.

And you need to stop lamenting being single. You need to stop comparing yourself to others because they are so-called “further ahead” than you.

You know why? Because when you fall into a place of pitying yourself for being single, you fail to see all the beautiful things that are already happening in your life. You fail to see the incredible things that you have the ability to do as a single person. You fail to see the amazing, and awe-inspiring ways that God can use you.

Your life doesn’t begin the moment you have your first kiss, or say I do. It begins the moment you choose to live life to the fullest. It begins when you let God use you in whatever way He sees fit.

So how do we do that? I asked some Christian sisters on Facebook for some input into this. Some of it will be things I have learned as well. So, let’s begin!

Happiness is Dependent on YOU-Not another person
I mentioned this above, but so many people hang their worth (whether they admit or not) on the condition of whether or not they are in a relationship. They lament and feel terrible about their lives for being single. They live in a constant state of comparison to others.

Let’s just be honest here. Girl, if you are not happy on your own, there is no way you’ll be truly happy with someone else. A relationship or marriage is not some magic pill that will make all your inner problems go away. That isn’t how it works.




In my first relationship, I ran into it after being rejected by someone else. I felt so low and bad about myself. It was so easy for my ex to say all the right things and me fall for it. Not cool on my end. Then as things progressed, I was so overwhelmed by my emotions that I couldn’t see the situation for what it truly was. My happiness became dependent upon my boyfriend at the time.

It was toxic and immature of me.

One thing that I have learned is this: It is far better to first create a beautiful life that you are happy and content with. Then, once you have achieved that, you can better enter into a healthy relationship. You should not enter into a relationship or marriage to be complete or to be made whole. That only comes through the choices you make, and growing closer in a relationship with God.





Also, it is absolutely not fair to the other person to rely on them to make your life better. It is not their responsibility. It is ultimately yours through the choices you make.

Also, if there are things in your life that you have not dealt with or healed from, work on those things prior to dating. It’s not about being perfect; we never will be or do things perfectly. However, if our heads are too muddled by things of the past, it's harder to be in a good head space to commit ourselves to another person.

“Patience is important, but being happy and content w/ where you are FIRST means you’re ready for an addition to the happiness you already have achieved!” -Emili


Learn to Be Okay (even happy!) With Being Alone

As an introvert, I love my alone time. Love it. But whether you are more of an introvert or an extrovert, we can all benefit from contentment in being alone.

A year or so ago, I took a class on living a better single life, that can lead to attracting a healthy relationship later. There was some advice that really stuck with me: Treat yourself the way you would want a significant other to treat you.

Psst....don't tell anyone, but I am secretly Elsa!

Let me explain how this looks:

-Taking myself out on dates. Yes, really! I go to movies by myself. I go out to dinner at nice restaurants by myself. I even buy myself flowers sometimes. This time by myself is absolutely precious. I am learning to really enjoy being by myself and cultivate happiness with just me and God. 

-Choosing to do things you would want to do with a significant other. For instance, go on that trip you wanted to go on with your potential significant other. Grab your girlfriends and make plans to go on that dream trip. For me, I am wanting to do missions in Japan, and one day go on a week-long trip to Disney world, whether or not I am attached.

-Tell yourself that you are capable, strong, and beautiful. Believe it. And more importantly, allow God to speak those things to you through His word.

“Being single in no way means you are alone. And being alone is not a bad thing. In fact it can be a beautiful time of growth, exploration, adventure, new experiences, and opportunity to cultivate your passions and hobbies. Focus on those and see where life and God takes you.”-Chelsea M.

“It’s okay to be alone. It’s not okay to surround yourself with men who don’t deserve you.”-Jenn T.


Stop Waiting and Start Doing

I used to be in a place where I constantly made decisions based on whether or not it would hurt my chances to be marriageable material.

I had wasted quite a few years of my life in that position. I was convinced that my prince charming was going to show up any second. I had to be ready. I didn’t want to do any crazy travel plans. I was convinced that if I did anything crazy, I might miss my chance to meet my person.

Actually, I think that mindset was doing the exact opposite of what I intended.

From observing others, and learning from other’s wisdom, I am finding that you meet people by living your life, not by putting it on hold. If you are content, joyful, focused on self-growth, and making the decision to build a life you love, you will attract people (romantic and friendships) on the path to doing the same thing.

Go out and do the thing, or things. The right person will want to run with you. If they don’t, they aren’t for you. Got me? I will repeat it again: IF THEY DON’T, THEY AREN’T FOR YOU.






But here’s the other thing. Whether or not you meet your person, you need to understand that your life is not worthless even if you become an old maid.

There’s such a negative connotation to being a spinster or old maid. And here’s the thing: If you are living a life that is honoring to God, something that you are proud of, and have lots of love around you, then guess what? You have succeeded my friend. You have won in having a successful, full, life.

“Don’t make marriage your ultimate goal. Learn to love yourself, fulfill your dreams, and finish college. Also, remember to praise God and be the best Christian you can while you’re single.”-Rebekah S.

“Live. Don’t miss out on being grateful for the here and now. Life is too precious to waste.”-Cassidy W.

“I always held onto the saying that said, ‘chase after God so fast that only a guy who is chasing God too will keep up’...”-Karis S.


Do. Not. Neglect. The. Self. Care.

We often think of self-care as just eating the cake, taking that bubble bath, etc. However, let’s take it a step further.

Part of building an amazing life while single or in a relationship is making yourself a priority. Taking time to unwind with a bubble bath or color is great. Do those things. We need to do things to clear and steady our minds.




However, I was recently taught about something called “extraordinary self-care”.

This is what it looks like:

-You take yourself out to nice places to eat sometimes. Go out once a month to do something pampering like a pedicure.

-You read self-help books, or listen to podcasts about bettering your life and growing as a person. You might also might involve yourself in personal growth classes and seminars. You seek wise counsel from others.

-You are making your relationship with God a priority.

-You make your appearance more of a priority (not obsessively mind you. But there is a lot of studies that have been done about how taking pride in that is a great boost for one’s mental health)

-You usually eat healthy in a way that works for you, but also treat yourself sometimes.

-You exercise in some way. I bet your doggo would love to go for a walk now that the weather is getting nicer. (You’re welcome, doggos)

-You make time for your girlfriends.

-You make your passions more of a priority. If you have to take baby steps, great! That means you’re making progress.

-Work on making the physical space of your home a place that you can easily unwind in. That means to do your best to keep it clean. Maybe even decorate in a way that sparks joy. Also, go ahead and light those candles and fairy lights. Or diffuse essential oils, if that’s your thing.

-Lastly, if you need it, go get therapy. There is no shame in it. We all need help. Another time, I will do a more in depth article on this. I am actually in therapy right now to help me process a recent trauma. Forcing things down isn’t healthy. If you don’t deal with whatever it is, it is going to eventually explode in an unhealthy manner. Go get the help you need, and stop the cycle of self-destructive behavior.

Also, the next part has to do with pouring more into the church, and other people. And, sweet lady, you can't adequately do that while running on fumes.

So take really good care of yourself, and make it a priority. Jesus came to give us an abundant life. Not burn out. (John 10:10, Matthew 11:28-20.) Also, God is a proponent of rest. It's okay to slow down and take time for you. Jesus did, and encouraged His disciples to do so. (Exodus 20:11, Mark 6:30-32, Mark 4:35-40.)


“Therapy is not a bad thing. Allowing yourself to continue in destructive ‘relationship’ behavior is.” Marisa H.


Use Your Faith to Move the Mountains

It’s hard to be a single Christian sometimes. One of those ways is the heavy emphasis on marriage, marriage, and marriage in Christian circles.

Growing up, so much was taught about preparing for marriage and things connecting to it. We talk more about impacting the kingdom of God in families more so than singles. That really needs to change. But, again, that’s an article for another day.

Don’t get me wrong. Marriage is important. But we tend to be so bad about neglecting our singles in the church. We neglect to mentor and help singles understand their place in God’s kingdom. Honestly, the fact that we don’t pour more into them could very well be a factor of some unhealthy ideas that many singles have. (i.e., something is seriously wrong with me because I am not married yet…)

As a single person, we often have no idea the incredible time, energy, and resources that we hold in the palm of our hands. As single people, we can truly impact the world for Christ in ways that those who are married can’t.

The apostle Paul talks about marriage and singleness in 1 Corinthians 7. Though he touches more on marriage, he writes a few things about singleness that are really interesting.

One, he mentions that he wishes that “all were as myself am [unmarried]” (verse 7) and “it is good for them to remain single, as I am”. (Verse 8.)

He is saying that him being a single man was a huge blessing. Think about it. As a single man, he was able to travel anywhere he wanted, or wherever the Spirit led him.He could help whomever he needed to help, heal whoever he needed to heal. He was not tethered by a family to care for. He was arguably one of the greatest of the apostles.

Peter and some of the other apostles were married. It seemed that, more often, they tended to stay more stationary (such in one place like Jerusalem.) However, there is nothing particularly wrong with this. Even Paul says that people are bestowed different gifts, and to use them for the glory of God (verse 7.) Singleness and marriage are gifts, and each have their own merit.

Your singleness is very much a gift. Just think of all the good that you can do right now. Instead of wasting your time obsessing over where your prince charming is, get off your butt and go do something for the kingdom!


Here are some ideas:

-Volunteer to teach ladies classes, classes for teen girls, or children at church.

-Volunteer to be a coach in a program like Lads to Leaders. (Or, if your region does something different but similar, go help with it.)

-Go on a mission trip. Do it short-term, or take a crazy leap of faith and stay for a year or two. Maybe longer. Watch what God does in your heart and in the lives of others while you’re there. You're single and have lots of time to do things like that. Also, there are a lot of congregations and individuals who can assist you in raising money to do work like that.

-When you hear about a disaster and you have the ability to help, do so. Don’t sit on the couch lamenting the situation. Do something about it.

-Start managing your money more wisely, and set aside a fund every month to help you in case a need comes up that you can help with; whether you run into a homeless person, or someone in the community or church undergoes a tragedy.

-Go get to know some foster kids and mentor them. Seriously, do it. Maybe even look into being a foster Mom yourself, even as a single person. These kids are extremely vulnerable in many ways and need the love of God poured into them. Single people are some of the most perfect people to do this, honestly. Do some research on the crisis in the foster care system and you’ll see how desperate of a need this truly is. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

-Serve at soup kitchens.

-Send cards.

-Start a small group or bible study with other women.

-Start a blog like this one, or find a way to use your personal talents to bring glory to God.

-Become a prayer warrior.

-Go ask at church what some needs are and how you can help.

-Study God’s word. (If you haven’t, I recommend getting involved with Cindy Colley’s Digging Deep Study every year. The study is usually pretty intensive, but the things you learn are incredible.)


There’s a whole lot more I could list, but you get the point. As Christians we are commanded to pour into others and the world around us. We need to take this call from God more seriously.

“...being single does not make you any less of a Christian. Some of the best Christians like Paul were single.”-Christina M.

“Pray for discipline and discernment, then practice it. Study the word and get into groups that are focused on growing in relationship with God.”-Chelsea M.

So again, go make stuff happen. It’s time to be the best single pringles we can be for God. Your life is truly going to be what you choose to make it to be.


Love,

Chelsea

A Christian Woman's Prayer Toolbox

Dear Sisters in Christ,

Last blog post we discussed prayer, and really pouring out our hearts to our heavenly Father. But, you may be wondering, just how do we go about doing that?

It can feel weird an awkward changing prayer habits. But, do we really want our prayers to be like the one below on a regular basis?

 “God, please just help me to have a good day. And, um help me be safe. And uh, thank you for my great aunt Susie. In Jesus’ name…”

It seems daunting. And, when you’re changing your habits for anything, it’s really going to feel very strange. But, the thing to remember is that feeling uncomfortable is good. It means that you’re being challenged to grow. And, trust me; as human beings we will never run out of ways in which we can keep being better.

We are all different. Each one of us has our own personalities, strengths, weaknesses, and ways certain things come naturally to us. When we are starting to really open up to God it does feel awkward. Yet, surprisingly, there are many different ways in which we can facilitate prayer. There are different prayer postures. There are different times of praying. There are recited prayers. Some use apps. There are a lot of tools we can use to really help us in this venture. 

So, that is really what this post is about. This is encouraging you to think outside the box, and to really get excited about your personal prayer time. The more consistent you are with prayer and making it a priority, in a way that really works for you, the more you will WANT to do it. Truly, there is absolutely nothing better than to bask in God’s presence and really pour out to Him. 

In this article, there will be some quotes from some sweet sisters who have told me what works for them. Others are things I have heard of that I’ve seen other women do. Some are things I do in my personal prayer life. 

And here’s the thing. You don’t have to figure this out right away. Try different things and figure out what works for you. Honestly, I think just the journey of figuring it out is also a very beautiful thing. You’re getting to know God better and getting to know yourself better. I'm still figuring it out too.

Timing

People pray at different times of the day. Pick a time when you can really focus on God. For me personally, I like praying before I go into work, and when I turn in for the evening. Evening is especially a good time for me. I can sit with my dog and snuggle with her, and just pray to my Father. I turn off my laptop. I exit out of other apps on my phone, and just use my prayer app (which I will talk about a little more further into the article) I also might pray some Psalms.

Also, praying before I go to bed is good for me in so many ways. My mind often races and it takes a while for me to fall asleep. I like to do my main, focused praying before I lay down. Then, I will also talk to God when I get under the covers. I drift off to sleep a lot more peacefully that way. I feel like my anxiety just floats away. 

Belongs to Walt Disney Company

You know yourself (at least, I hope you do!) So really look at your day and figure out when you can really be alone with God, just the two of you. Figure out when you really have the most time to really devote praise, thanksgiving, requests, venting, things about your day, and even things you consider mundane. For some, it may be when you first wake up. Maybe it is in the shower. Maybe it’s when you are driving. Maybe it’s ten minutes on your lunch break. Whatever it looks like, make the most of it, and make sure you can really focus. 

If you don’t have time, well then, Chica, you need to get to rearranging your life and make it a priority. (Also, if you literally have no time on your hands, you really need to slow down. Seriously. You can’t do ALL the things. That’s not healthy.  God is actually a proponent of rest-but that’s a later topic.)

Here is a quote from Christina on what works best for her in regard to timing:

“I like to start off my day with devo and a prayer. I use the "Power for Today" devo books. It is usually the last thing I do before I leave for work. It really helps me to start off my day well. I also pray mini prayers through the day if I'm scrolling through Facebook or someone crosses my mind.” -Christina

Journaling

Journaling is something that I have done before. I actually took it as a recommendation from my Grandma Margie one time. She sits and writes out her prayers word for word. I tried it for a while. As much as I love writing, I actually found that for me personally, I prefer speaking my prayers out loud. 

But this is only one way of Prayer journaling. (And I do recommend giving it a try if you want!)

Another form of prayer journaling was actually given to me by my friend Autumn. She says she likes to journal prayerful songs. She writes them out and meditates on them. Each song has a different thing that it is asking for. I also really connect with lyrics and music, so I definitely want to try this particular way. I often find myself singing songs as a form of prayer (for me, that is oftentimes, "Oceans", “Come Thou Fount” or “Purer in Heart”.)

Prayer journaling comes in a lot of different forms. This first example is one I found on Amazon. I thought it was a really great form. It has verses to meditate on, and sections to write down things you want God to teach you, things you’re thankful for, and requests you have. Plus it’s really pretty, and comes in either paperback or Spiral.

https://tinyurl.com/u6bun64

There are a lot of prayer journals that are similar, and others that are different. Check out different places like amazon, or even Christian bookstores to see what is available. Also, if you are a student on a campus of a Christian college, I have no doubts your college bookstores can probably point you to some good resources. Also, check Pinterest. Seriously. If you are not on Pinterest, what are you even doing with your life? It is a seriously incredible resource.

https://media0.giphy.com/media/3o7WIz0R4XwKgs2fHG/giphy.gif

Praying Scripture/Scripted prayers

I think sometimes we get a little too ruffled over prayers like these. However, I have found that praying scripture, or at least using it as a prompt, is really helpful in teaching things to pray about and ways to pray. Honestly, sincerity in talking to God and understanding what we are asking for is the most important thing.

One problem we often face in prayer journeys is that we feel like we run out of things to say. We feel like we don’t always know what to pray. But combining prayer with study of scripture is actually a fantastic way to really deepen our relationship with God.

Again, it challenges us. It forces us to look inward at our hearts and really see ways in which we fall short and can grow (Hebrews 4:12.) Praying the Psalms, praying other prayers in scripture (or taking inspiration from it) or praying what we are studying can be a truly powerful way for the Holy Spirit to help dig us deeper in our faith. It can bring us to stages of being brave in asking God for things that we may not normally. Since scripture is breathed out by God, and from God Himself, why in the world would we not want to pray about what we are studying? 

That is truly the Holy Spirit in action! (Romans 8:26, 1 Corinthians 2:10-16.)

Everything works together. Scripture and prayer should go hand in hand-not be separate! 

“Do not ever feel guilty about praying scripted prayers.”-Autumn

Accountability Partners

Hey. We need each other as sisters in Christ. Sometimes we need people to prod us in the butt with a hot poker to stay focused. 

If you need help, it is OKAY to ask for it! The church is a beautiful place where we love and support one another in our walks with God. It is a resource that we so often don’t tap into. (1 Thessalonians 5:11.)

“Prayer accountability partners. For example, me and a church friend know someone needing to be covered in prayer. We made the commitment to pray for them by name and when we execute on that specific prayer we text each other which is both serving as a feeling of unity in praying for the same goal AND a trigger in case we get busy and forget!” -Ashley

Belongs to Illumination 

Prayer Postures

There are a lot of prayer postures too. We see quite a few ones throughout scripture. We see people with bowed heads, kneeling, laying on the ground, raised hands, etc.

The thing that matters most about this is reverence and humility. Most examples of people in prayer show them in a prostrate, humble, position. 

To make it clear, I am talking about your own personal prayer time here. I am not speaking of public worship assemblies or anything like that. 

For me personally, my favorite posture for my personal prayer time is sitting cross-legged with my head bowed, and my palms out and facing up. It is comfortable for me, and I feel like I can really focus and connect. Sometimes I go to my knees. Try different ones and see which one you prefer. 

Places to Pray

“But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” (Matthew 6:6.)

It’s important to understand the context behind the verse above. Jesus was calling out the Pharisees (again) and other religious leaders of the day. One common occurring problem among the leaders was that they were boastful about how ‘holy’ they were. They often prayed loud and exuberant prayers in order to get other people to hear them and be impressed by them.

You know who wasn’t impressed?

God.

I don’t think He is necessarily saying you have to go hide in your closet to pray (though, it is probably a good idea!) The principle here is to keep our pride in check, and to be wise about where we pray. We should be wise about where we do our personal prayer time. 

For me personally, my bedroom really is my favorite place to pray. It is quiet, and I can be alone. The only one with me is my dog Jolie (we are joined at the hip, pretty much.) I don’t feel like I have to show out for anyone. I can just totally be myself and pour out to God. 

Find your place. Maybe it is your garden in your backyard. Maybe it’s your closet (I love hearing about people setting up their own War-Rooms!) Maybe it is your living room when your hubby or roommate happens to be out. Maybe it’s your She-shed or something (Just make sure it doesn’t get struck by lightning ;) ) Either way, just make sure to find a place that you can really be alone with and pour out to God. 

Consider this: if you are wanting to really connect with someone and talk to them about important things, are you really going to go some place with a ton of distractions? No, most of us definitely wouldn’t do that. Do the same when it comes to God, and give Him the attention and time He deserves!

Getting Technical

I think one way that we don’t often think of in terms of helping our prayer life is actually the use of technology. One thing that really has helped me is the use of a prayer app. There are a bunch of different ones (I was surprised at how many there actually were.) However, the one I use is Echo. 

This particular app allows you to put in prayers, prayer reminders, and there’s even a list to send answered prayers. It’s truly amazing to scroll through and see all the ways God has been working. I think there is even a way to connect with others on the app for people to see the prayer requests. However, I have not used it in this way. 

Also, for those of you who use the YouVersion bible app (This app is amazing, and if you don’t have it, you need to get it) they are adding a feature soon to put in prayers and prayer requests. I don’t know if it is going to be a separate app, or if it will be a part of the original YouVersion app. 

There is also a bunch of other apps to check out, if you’re a trial and error person:

-Prayer Mate

-Ora

-Prayers and Blessings Daily

-Prayer Promoter

-uberPray

-Prayer Notes (this one you have to pay for.)

-Pray!

-Prayer Prompter

-Instapray

I don’t know much about any of these apps, but I do know that many of them also have a way to share prayer requests with other users if that is something you are interested in. 

Another way in which we can utilize technology is by asking on social media ways that we can pray for others. You never know how people are struggling and the ways they need. It’s a really great way to grow our faith and really be a blessing to others at the same time.

Lastly, another way I know of utilizing technology on our smartphones is by alarms. They can be used as reminders to pray at certain times of the day, especially if you tend to be busy and scatterbrained. 

My Aunt Dawn said this about using alarms:

“I've also set alarms to remember to pray for someone at the same time everyday. This was someone in the beginning stages of fighting temptation and trying to pull out of a sin.”-Dawn

Belongs to Nickelodeon

The Art of Praying Ugly

We really talked about this a lot in the previous article, but I loved the way a sister put it in regards to prayer. I couldn’t have said it better myself. She really put it in a way that really shows what it means to really just tell God everything and pour our hearts out to Him.

“Soooo my prayers have changed so much recently...I pray ugly. As in I literally tell God everything and it comes out ugly...I used to say, "Father help me forgive those who hurt me.."...but now it's like, " Father I literally want to.punch this lady in the throat every time she criticizes me... Help me to not hate her or wish bad on her cause sometimes I unwillingly picture myself tripping her in the hall.. 

Ladies I know it's ugly..but when I stop trying to hide my feelings from God, I feel like he heals me faster than when I pray nice....and fake...he already knows my heart.. I am so honest with him and it's changed my relationship with him..

We sometimes vent our true feelings to the wrong ppl.. why not to him?”-Amy

There is a lot of wisdom here in what she is saying, and I’ve experienced this in my own life. Truly, unless we are honest with ourselves and with God (and, sometimes others) it can be hard to make real, lasting changes. It can be hard to really for the Holy Spirit to work in us if we aren’t willing to be raw and honest.

It’s kind of like mold, you know? Mold likes cool, dark places. It likes to hide. Then, before you know it, it’s overgrown, and you have horrible, rotting damage. However shine the light on it, and put it in open air, it will cease to grow. That’s what praying “ugly”, as she refers to it, does for us. It also does the same when we can open up to our brothers and sisters in Christ. When we expose the darkness for what it is, it ceases to grow. ( 1 John 2:9-11, Ephesians 5:11, Ephesians 5:8-9.)

And one only need to do a reading of the Psalms to see that they are definitely full of “ugly” prayers.

There are so many incredible tools that are available to us to use. In fact, we can definitely say that God put these tools into our lives. We just have to actually utilize them! Growing closer to God is a choice, my sisters. Let out your heart and really start digging deep to connect with Him. 

He really truly is only one prayer away.

In Christian Love,

Chelsea