What 10 Years Has Taught Me About My Value In Christ

Dear Reader,

10 years can change so much. 

I am sitting here reminiscing on who I used to be. This was a time when I was a young woman who couldn’t, wouldn’t value herself. A time when I so desperately wanted to be loved. 

She was young woman who wanted another’s love so badly that she was willing to ignore and overlook when boundaries were crossed. She was willing to ignore assault and emotional abuse. She was willing to put up with mood swings from a man who was unable to love her. She gave much but received so little in return. 

She believed for so long that it was all her fault. She believed his problems were her responsibility to shoulder. She believed the lie that it was her responsibility to straighten him out.

Her whole life, time and time again, she tried to love people who couldn’t love her. And when good guys looked her way and tried offer their hand to her, she was too hyper-focused on other men who couldn’t return her feelings.

While I thought I valued myself and lived in God’s love, many of my choices reflected the complete opposite of that. Childhood trauma and emotional abuse led me to believe deep down that I was unworthy of good things. I saw myself as so small, and insignificant. 

However, what I desperately needed was to love myself. But even more important, to bask in the love of a man who gave His whole life to love me: Jesus.

I needed to grasp for His love. I needed to hold it tightly in my hands, and hold it to my heart with all my might. 

Chapters 1&2 of Ephesians tell us this about who we are to God, and the gifts He gives us:

*He chose us. (1:5,11)

*Redemption and forgiveness. (1:7)

*The Holy Spirit (The seal of our Salvation) (1:13)

*Mercy and Love (2:4)

*New Life (2:5)

*We are citizens and saints of His Kingdom (2:19)

Reading these chapters, it is such a powerful reminder of how much God cherishes us. Or to read scriptures such as John 3:16, Romans 5:8, Romans 8:37-39, or 1 John 3:1.

What has ten years been teaching me? 

That God deeply loves and cares for me and considers me. So much so that it's overwhelming and unfathomable. I can look back and see the ways His hand has been in my life. Though I make and have made foolish decisions, He’s never left. Though there are times I have rejected His love and believed lies about myself, He’s never wavered in His love for me. 

God will be my anchor in times when I can’t see the goodness in myself, and I know He will bring me into the light again. And, I think that to some extent, we probably all struggle to value and love ourselves the way we should. I think we all struggle with the idea that it’s OKAY to love ourselves. 

God deemed His creation good. We are the most cherished and beloved of all He created. We are of far more value to Him than the flowers or even the sparrows. (Matthew 6:25-29)

One of the most difficult parts of my life has been struggling to believe that I matter to God. Yet, the truth is there: in His scriptures and the ways He intervenes in my life from day to day. 

So I will keep it short: in the month of love, let this encourage you: It's okay to give yourself grace. You matter to God.

Love, 

Chelsea 

When Life Doesn't Go the Way You Planned It...

Dear Readers, 

It's been a full year since I have posted on this blog. A lot has happened, and I feel as if for a while, I had lost all inspiration to write. 

The purpose I had in starting this blog was to talk about growing closer to God, and walking in a relationship with Him. 

Yet, life is messy. Pain and trouble gets in the way and derails our path. One by one after another, things in my life kept happening that were testing my faith. The trials came to feel like I was lugging around massive boulders on my back every single day.

I lost a relationship to a person I love so dearly. They took advantage of my love and completely shattered my trust. They hurt other people close to me. It left me drained of my sanity and energy. 

My dreams of working full-time were shattered. For six months I worked a job I really loved, only to realize that a disability I have was getting in the way.  I walked away, and it hurt so much. It still hurts, despite knowing that it was absolutely the right decision. 

My physical health faltered.

My relationship to God has also suffered in the process. Somewhere along the line, something in me broke. My depression, anxiety, my disability, it all got the better of me. My inner self curled into a ball, and I lost a lot of hope and faith. I believed I was of no use to God to be able to serve Him and others adequately.

Let me be clear: I still believe in God. I believe He is real. That has never changed. 

But, I am having to start all over again in every aspect of my life; including my relationship to God.

Recently, I have working through the twelve steps with a mentor. On step three, I have had to look back at the ways God has blessed and intervened in my life. 

When I look back on my life, I see God's hand in everything. I see how He answered my childhood prayers for friends. I really struggled so much in making friends when I was a kid. I now have women in my life who are so loyal and loving. They have blessed my life beyond words.

I remember the day my biological father died. I remember how, after finding him unresponsive in bed, God intervened so I didn't have to be the one to call 911. My Mom called at just the right time.

I remember how God protected me from a toxic and abusive relationship. He saved me from myself and a life of heartache. 

I recall how God used so many mistakes to teach me things, and to use those mistakes to be a blessing to others. 

I remember a night where my brain became my worst enemy, and wouldn't shut off. I remember how, God came in and comforted me, quieted me, so I could sleep. 

And, right now, I am learning more about myself and what my limitations are in regard to my disability. I am becoming more honest about what I really want out of my life. I am learning that, I don't have to do things like everyone else does; despite that being a difficult pill to swallow. I am learning to accept myself again, and to be more gracious to myself. 

I have a lot of rebuilding to do. And to do that, I have to really get back into His word.

The verse I keep coming back to during this time is 2 Corinthians 12:9. 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Weakness, struggles; we are all going to have them. But, through it all, even when it's hard; even when we are doubting God's goodness; even when there is so much pain that surrounds us; even when things seem hopeless; God's power is still great. 

We don't need to be strong, because that is where God comes in. He is the all powerful lion of Judah, and goes before us into battle. In fact, He's already won. 

I am trying to let myself heal, and grieve. And, when we are going through it, the best thing we can do is fill our lives with His truth. 

Love,

Chelsea

Poetry: Risen

Risen

Prostrate fallen, to holy knees 

Beneath the Olive Trees.

Tears of Scarlet did fall

And no friends to come when You called

Conversing with the holy Father

Fear and Love, in one prayer.

You prayed for unity

For Your bride, in love and beauty.

Betrayed by a beloved friend

Sent with no one to defend

All alone You suffered

The cruel hands of the soldiers’ scourge

Denied by the best of friends

Body torn, agony deepens

Alone, is He, perfect Lamb;

No one can save the purest Man.

Shame has become his crown,

The thorns sharp upon His brow.

Mocking words, spitting mouths

In all sorts of manner uncouth. 

The riotous crowd calls for blood,

The sound is as a roaring flood. 

They call for the release of a criminal;

To treat the innocent as a sacrificial animal.

Here it comes: The darkest of Days

Trudging down Calvary’s way.

A tree is carried, splintering

Grinding against flesh torn and bleeding

Spikes driven, forced through,

Two for hands, one for foot. 

In His shame they raise Him high;

Between criminals left and right. 

Mercy for one; but the other denies. 

The women lift their cries,

And His forever beloved friend,

Will care for His mother to the end.

He cries for heaven; His Father of Love;

But there is no help to come from above.

God, in His pain, gives His Son

So that our hearts may be won.

His breath, final and sure,

Finishes what He endured. 

The earth trembled and shook,

The sun darkened like soot.

From top to bottom the temple curtain tore;

For we will ne’er be separated from Him evermore.

For truly, He is the Son of the most High,

And salvation is drawing nigh.

They laid Him in the tomb,

Thinking all was lost and darkness loomed.

A heavy stone was made to cover

For He was never again to wander.

Day one, dark; the fallen angels revel.

Day two, dark; the Liar thinks he’s level.

But the next day to come

Will bring light to end the doom.

Day three, Light! The angel tosses a stone.

The bruiser of heels, cracks like dry bones.

The Lion of Judah stands on his feet,

And the enemy’s head is crushed in defeat!

And this I know, He’s paved a way

A way for me to be saved.

To know a God whose love is endless

For me, a broken sinful mess. 

To know His heart, to know His Grace,

I now can run this race!

I have a love, a friend a Father;

Earthly success I do not need to gather.

He loves me for me,

A child redeemed and free!

And I know beyond all doubt, or fear,

That my Jesus is very near.

The resurrected Jesus, the risen One,

Has lifted my head up to the sun. 

He rose, declaring death did not own me. 

For I am His child, forever will I be.

Fruit of the Spirit, Kindness: Loving Helpfulness

 Dear Sisters in Christ,

Think of our modern-day world, especially this past year. Think of people's behavior. Think of behavior by politicians, radio talk show hosts, people on the news, and even those on social media. 

How would you describe their behavior? (Maybe even yours?)

For the most part, not good; because our nation is extremely divided right now.

Truth is, a lot of these people show the exact opposite of biblical kindness. I am not saying we can expect non-Christians to behave like Christians. However, what about us? How have we been acting? It is always good to be checking in with ourselves on these issues. 

In the original manuscripts of the bible, the greek word for kindness was Chrestotes (Kress-toh-tez; this is a translation I heard. If any Greek scholars see this pronunciation is incorrect, please tell me!) This has a few different meanings such as:

-Useful

-Useful for others

-Pleasant

-Having integrity or value in relationships with others

This brings me back to the verse Ephesians 4:29:

"Let no filthy or abusive language enter your lips. Let your words be helpful and good, so that they may help and encourage those who listen."

From Walt Disney Studios

There are many ways we can give kindness; but oftentimes, we think about kindness in our words, spoken or typed. As Christians, we are to treat brothers and sisters as well as those in the world as fellow image-bearers of God. Are the words you utter really, truly going to be useful to the person hearing it? Is it helpful? 

And in the context of today's world, is what you say, type, or share contributing to the rising division of today's world? Is it demeaning, abusive, or unhelpful? Then, if so, in the context of the biblical meaning of kindness, it is wrong. Things that harm, hurt, or push others away from God are not kind. Gossip, slander, abusive or harsh language, dishonesty, bullying, humiliating others are all things that have no place in the life of someone proclaiming to follow God.

We are to be kind to others even when they are people we aren't crazy about. (Luke 6:32, Matthew 7:12.) And since every human being regardless of political affiliation, monetary status, fame, background, race, ethnicity, etc. is made in God's image, we don't discriminate our kindness. 

Kindness is love in action, my friends. 

God has been so tenderhearted, patient, and of course, kind, with us. Do the things you do, and the words you say or type, truly reflect God's character to the world? Is it going to pour more hatred into an already divided world? 

If we truly want to be transformed and set apart in this world, then choose to not participate in speech, or actions which only cause harm. (Romans 12:2.)

The more we pursue a relationship with God, the more our character should be changing to be more like Him. If your actions and character are not evolving to be more like Him, then it's time to take a hard look at our lives and ask if we really have been spending enough time with Him. We should also ask if our pride is preventing us from really being honest with ourselves about the things we know we shouldn't be doing. Pride can hinder our growth and walk with God as well. 

Sisters, this week, please consider how you can pour more kindness and goodness into the world around you. Consider how your words and your deeds can be more helpful. Let's make this world a more beautiful place.

Love, 

Chelsea

Fruit of the Spirit, Patience: More Than Quietly Waiting it Out

 Dear Sisters in Christ,

When I first wanted to start wanting to write this blog series in September, I came to a realization. I came to understand that I didn't fully understand these fruits as well as I thought. Patience was one of the ones I was definitely a little more uncertain on. 

When I began doing a word study on Patience, what I found was that in certain translations, like the NKJV, Patience was not really the best word for every place it appeared. 

Patience is often translated from two different Greek terms: Hypomone (Hi-po-moh-nay) and Makrothymia (Mack-Ro-Thigh-Mee-Uh).  Hypomone means to be steadfast, to persevere, to have endurance, and to be unwavering in one's faith regardless of circumstances. I will do an article on Hypomone at another time.

However, the one discussed in Galatians 5:22-23, Makrothymia, refers to being slow to anger, to wait out having anger, or to be without an angered reaction to something. 

Patience as a Fruit of the Spirit, means that we are gracious to others. It means that we are careful not to display rage or say hurtful things to others out of anger. This does not mean that we cannot express when something has hurt or upset us; but we cannot be rude, hateful, act in a rage, or maliciously make fun of another person. (Psalm 37:8, Proverbs 15:1, Ephesians 4:26, Colossians 3:8)

That cashier who messes up your order? Smile at them, and tell them that you understand that it was an honest mistake, but that you would still like for it to be fixed. You can request something be corrected without being ugly. You meet someone who is not a Christian and doesn't understand you? Don't belittle them for not understanding you. Simply say that you understand that in their shoes, you could see how the way you live might not make sense to them. Don't lash out and judge them for it.

You get the idea. Patience isn't the act of letting someone walk all over you. It is the act of taking a breath and realizing that none of us are perfect, and extending grace to our fellow man. How patient has God been with you, dear sister?

Every one of us has things in our own lives that we struggle with. We have bad days, highs and lows; yet, God is still here with us, holding our hands and leading us to better tomorrows. (Psalm 103:8.)

If you happen to act in a way that doesn't display the patience of God, admit that you absolutely did not act like Jesus in that moment.  Apologize to the person, if possible. (Side note: Parents need to be better about admitting when they don't respond in a Christ-like manner to their children.) Ask God for forgiveness; then resolve to do better. Acknowledge those triggers that lead you to lose your temper. Then, have a plan in place, and pray, to help you escape the temptation in the future to lash out. God always provides a way. Believe it and look for it. (1 Corinthians 10:13.)

We don't always know someone's full story. We don't always know if they have had a bad day, or if they are struggling and overwhelmed. When people are struggling with mental health problems, grieving a loss, or just going through a trauma, people may behave in ways they might not normally. They may become more absentminded and make really dumb mistakes. 

I knew a lady a few years ago who had experienced a great loss. A relatively short time afterwards, she had said something careless to me. When she realized what she had said in that moment, you could see on her face she felt very regretful and embarrassed.

 I've been there. I know how clouded and heavy your mind can get when you are overwhelmed by things going on. And, knowing how tender-hearted this lady is, I know she sincerely didn't mean anything rude or hurtful. This incident also got me thinking. 

How would have I reacted if I hadn't known what was occurring with her? It was humbling, and good food for thought.

You don't always know. God knows. People around us are hurting everyday, and in so many ways.When someone makes a mistake, does something ridiculous, wrong, or does something less than loving, this is where patience needs to come in. We don't know a person's story like God does. 

Be patient and gracious. Smile and offer compassion. Be slow to speak, and quick to listen (James 1:19.) 

And, I know we joke about it a lot, but don't be afraid to ask for more patience. Granted, you will probably be put in a lot of frustrating situations, but you will grow. It's a tough pill to swallow, but you cannot grow unless you are uncomfortable. It isn't easy, but it always leads to good things.

Love,

Chelsea

Fruit of the Spirit, Peace: The Piece of Completeness

 Dear Sisters in Christ,

One of my favorite hymns is "It is Well With My Soul". The first verse says this:

When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll; whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say it is well, it is well with my soul."

In times of hardship or goodness, God gives those that follow Him this: Peace. 

But, what is biblical peace, exactly? I'm going to be honest, when I first started writing this, I realized that maybe I didn't understand as well as I originally thought. One part of bible study for me that is particularly helpful is looking at the words in the original translations to really understand what they are all about. It really gives a more complete picture of what the biblical authors and Holy Spirit are trying to portray to us.

Peace is a prime example of this. In the hymn mentioned above, the writer expresses that, even in difficulties, he can still say that things are well with his soul. Just how does this happen?

In Hebrew the word used for peace is 'Shalom' (Shah-lohm), and in the New Testament Greek, 'Eirene' (ay-ray-nay). Both give the idea of binding things together that were once broken. About making things complete, or to restore something. For instance, let's say you're building a wall or tower from blocks or stone. If one block is missing or out of place, we all know that the structure will not be able to hold itself up. 

God is the missing piece to the brokenness that comes from living in world that has been made imperfect from sin.

God completes us. When we look to things of this world to make us complete, whether it be things like relationships, money, sex, or whatever the case may be, they will ultimately never be the missing piece we are looking for. These things will always be tarnished in some way, shape or form because of the brokenness of our world. People are imperfect, and will make mistakes or hurt us. 

Not to say that these things are not necessarily evil or bad in of themselves, but they will never fully satisfy the deepest longings of our hearts. It's important to understand that we need to be careful not put things that are not God on too high of a pedestal.

There will always be a part of us longing for more. Our hearts will always yearn for perfection.

This is where God comes in. God is complete goodness, love, and purity (2 Corinthians 12:9, Psalm 19:7, 2 Samuel 22:31, 1 John 4:7-21.) God is perfect in all His ways. Everything He created was and is good; but creation chose to separate itself from Him, leading to the pain, war, disrest, anger, hurt in the world. 

So, we can see that the only way for true and lasting peace (completeness) is by choosing to reconcile to God and give into His immense love for us. We become complete by building a relationship with Him, and having His love fill our hearts. With Him, we will lack nothing. (Ephesians 6:10-18, James 1:4.)

To wrap up, peace is being complete. Peace is God's strength being made full in our hearts. It comes from building a relationship with Him, and allowing Him to love us as His children. The peace of God is what holds us steady regardless of the situations this life leads us to. 

That is what it means for it to be well with our souls, as the writer of the hymn pointed out. Regardless of whether things or good or bad, God is the glue, the stone, the block, that holds our lives together. With His blood, His love, perfection, we are never alone, and we can face anything this life throws at us.

My hope and prayer for my life, and for yours, friend, is that this peace will take hold in your life, and continue to do so, all the days of your life. Don't forget of His immense love and care for you.

Love, 

Chelsea

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Resources:

1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLYORLZOaZE (The Bible Project: Shalom-Peace

2. https://www.preceptaustin.org/peace_eirene (Peace-Eirene [Greek Word Study])

2020: Finding the Beauty in Trials

Dear Sisters in Christ, 

2020.

I think most everyone can agree that this has been one of the hardest years in many of our lifetimes. So much happened all at once to so many of us. I have cried so much this year, and have had my heart break in so many ways.

Early this year, I faced a traumatic event that impacted me in a profound way, and sent me into another struggle with my mental health. I made a LOT of mistakes this year. Then, add in the social distancing, and being stuck at home so much, it was a perfect storm. Despite being an introvert, I can't say that I want to be home all the time. 

Add in the stress of everything else going on politically and socially; and then, at the smack-end of the year, around thanksgiving, my gallbladder decided it hates me, and become basically bed-bound for almost two weeks.

However, despite these things, I see that they have been desperately needed in my life. All of these things have struck me upside the head, stretched me thin, woken me up, and forced me to grow. 

Somehow, I think the biggest thing that has come from this year is that I have been forced to run back to God time and time again.

Within the insanity, He is my peace, my anchor, my constant. Even times when I have felt terribly lonely this year, He has been a friend that I know that I can always turn to. 

This year has also been challenging me by way of forcing me to develop stronger boundaries with myself, and others. The biggest way comes down to the fact that I struggle with being a "fixer". I sometimes bear the weight of the world too much on my shoulders. I allow the things people do to pull me down far too much. I often feel like I have to give advice or try to fix situations that are basically a dead end. 

I can't make people do the right thing. I can't stop people from making self-destructive choices. I can't stop dishonesty. I can't stop people choosing to be ugly to fellow people made in the image of God. I can't make anyone do anything.

I can't save people. That's God's job. And unfortunately, I realized that I was trying to take on what was supposed to be His job in some situations. And that is a really hard pill to swallow, my friends. God has a profound way of humbling you.

What can I do? Love them. Pray for them. I can also warn them; but I can't beat a dead horse. I have to learn to simply say my peace, and walk away, and leave people to do what they are ultimately going to do. I have to leave them to live as they choose, even if it means they get seriously hurt. 

And even if it means my heart breaks too.

And, in the end, I absolutely cannot let that destroy my peace. While it may hurt, sometimes unbearably, my hope, my peace, my strength, and my joy is in the Lord. Whatever happens, or however I may feel at any given moment, God will hold steady in my heart. 

Coming off of this, I also came to the realization that I had developed an unhealthy relationship with Facebook. It had gotten to the point that I began allowing what people posted to get to me far too much. 

I took a break, and began working on ways to, whenever I get back on, to have better boundaries with it. I don't ever want to allow a social media platform to have so much power over my emotions ever again.

It may seem silly, but I think this is more of a problem for a lot people than they might admit. This year has ultimately showed the full-blown negative side of the media in so many ways. The internet gives people a bravery to say so many things they wouldn't normally. And that can be a very negative thing. 

The older I get, the more I find that, when it comes to controversial subjects, much more gets accomplished speaking face to face rather than over the internet on a social media platform. When speaking face to face, and two people have a mutual respect for each other, more change happens that way than on the internet. 

I want to help facilitate change in the world. But it isn't going to happen debating on social media. 

I can change the world by sharing my heart; whether through my writing, by loving my foster sisters and brothers; being kind, non-judgmental, and gracious to strangers; and offering up acts of kindness to people in need; listening to, and sharing in others' pain. 

And sometimes, this listening can be terribly uncomfortable; especially when we are told things that challenge what we've always thought. That is how we inspire change: by using our talents and spreading love in real life. That is the kind of life I ultimately want to live. 

I don't want to live a life through a screen that only tells half of the story. I want to live an abundant life; a raw, honest, open, loving one that honors my Father in heaven. 

And that, my dear friends, is ultimately what 2020 has taught to me this year. 

While this year may have been so difficult, I am going to let the year go. And when I walk into 2021, I will walk in stronger, and wiser, and even more sure of my God's love for me.

What other image would I possibly put here? Haha

I hope and pray the same for you as well. 

Love, 

Chelsea