Courage Makes for a Beautiful Life

 

Dear Readers,

For most of my entire life, self-doubt and self-hatred riddled my existence. Fear consumed me. Many decisions that I have made in my life have deep root in fear and self-loathing.

My absolute biggest fear is being a burden on others or causing problems for them.

I wouldn't message individuals I wanted to be closer to for the longest time. I was afraid of annoying them and being a burden. This happened despite evidence to show me that the interest was definitely mutual.

I would avoid certain jobs because I told myself I couldn't. Again, fear of making mistakes, being a burden and causing problems for others.

I would avoid certain experiences or make excuses because I felt that I would somehow find a way to mess it all up. Life became a puzzle of figuring out how I could best protect myself.

Last year, I made the decision that I no longer wanted to make decisions based in fear. It was hard, but, I grew so much. I learned to trust God more and allow Him to be in more control. I didn't always get it right, but, I allowed Him to walk with me through the fears.

I am starting to reach out more to people I want to be closer to. And when I do? The world doesn't explode. Actually, quite the opposite.

I applied to jobs I never thought I would. Fast food, for instance. When I found myself in a situation in which I desperately needed a job, I became willing to do those things. I ended up not having to work in fast food. I am thankful for that; but if I had to I could do it.

I am learning to accept the fact that mistakes are inevitable. Being human, they are going to happen. What matters though, is what we do with those mistakes.

I am going to make social faux pas sometimes. If someone tells me I am over stepping or do something they don't like, I can respect their boundaries and do better.

If I make a mistake at work, it's not the end of the world. I can figure out how to prevent it from happening again and change my course of action.

I can forgive myself. I can accept grace for myself. I can live in peace knowing that regardless of whatever mistakes I make, it doesn't lessen my worth.

God still loves me, cherishes me, and fights for me every single day. He loves me in spite of my brokenness, awkwardness, my sin and my mistakes. He sees me as capable. He makes me strong. He gives me courage.

My loved ones don't see me as a burden. Time and time again, they’ve shown that my pain isn't mine alone to carry. They’ve shown me that it's okay to bear each other's burdens.

The knowledge of these things encourage me to act in spite of being afraid.

Life is too short to live it in constant fear. Life is too short to live in constant comfort. And to quote a certain red-haired cartoon teacher, “Take chances! Make mistakes! Get messy!”

Oftentimes, I have found that life's most beautiful and magical moments are the ones that are born from courage.

Allow yourself that today, beautiful friend. Be brave, accept grace for yourself, and know God is walking with you every step of the way.

Love,

Chelsea

What 10 Years Has Taught Me About My Value In Christ

Dear Reader,

10 years can change so much. 

I am sitting here reminiscing on who I used to be. This was a time when I was a young woman who couldn’t, wouldn’t value herself. A time when I so desperately wanted to be loved. 

She was young woman who wanted another’s love so badly that she was willing to ignore and overlook when boundaries were crossed. She was willing to ignore assault and emotional abuse. She was willing to put up with mood swings from a man who was unable to love her. She gave much but received so little in return. 

She believed for so long that it was all her fault. She believed his problems were her responsibility to shoulder. She believed the lie that it was her responsibility to straighten him out.

Her whole life, time and time again, she tried to love people who couldn’t love her. And when good guys looked her way and tried offer their hand to her, she was too hyper-focused on other men who couldn’t return her feelings.

While I thought I valued myself and lived in God’s love, many of my choices reflected the complete opposite of that. Childhood trauma and emotional abuse led me to believe deep down that I was unworthy of good things. I saw myself as so small, and insignificant. 

However, what I desperately needed was to love myself. But even more important, to bask in the love of a man who gave His whole life to love me: Jesus.

I needed to grasp for His love. I needed to hold it tightly in my hands, and hold it to my heart with all my might. 

Chapters 1&2 of Ephesians tell us this about who we are to God, and the gifts He gives us:

*He chose us. (1:5,11)

*Redemption and forgiveness. (1:7)

*The Holy Spirit (The seal of our Salvation) (1:13)

*Mercy and Love (2:4)

*New Life (2:5)

*We are citizens and saints of His Kingdom (2:19)

Reading these chapters, it is such a powerful reminder of how much God cherishes us. Or to read scriptures such as John 3:16, Romans 5:8, Romans 8:37-39, or 1 John 3:1.

What has ten years been teaching me? 

That God deeply loves and cares for me and considers me. So much so that it's overwhelming and unfathomable. I can look back and see the ways His hand has been in my life. Though I make and have made foolish decisions, He’s never left. Though there are times I have rejected His love and believed lies about myself, He’s never wavered in His love for me. 

God will be my anchor in times when I can’t see the goodness in myself, and I know He will bring me into the light again. And, I think that to some extent, we probably all struggle to value and love ourselves the way we should. I think we all struggle with the idea that it’s OKAY to love ourselves. 

God deemed His creation good. We are the most cherished and beloved of all He created. We are of far more value to Him than the flowers or even the sparrows. (Matthew 6:25-29)

One of the most difficult parts of my life has been struggling to believe that I matter to God. Yet, the truth is there: in His scriptures and the ways He intervenes in my life from day to day. 

So I will keep it short: in the month of love, let this encourage you: It's okay to give yourself grace. You matter to God.

Love, 

Chelsea