Boy, has this past week been a mess. There's really, truly, no other word for it. I am sure everyone can agree.
In regard to the murder of George Floyd, and people's responses to it, I have noticed these three issues that need dire attention among Christians:
1. A lot of people are not walking in compassion.
2. A lot of people don't know how to comfort others.
3. A lot of people really don't know how to listen to others.
The title of this article itself is a reference to Job 16:2, where Job calls out his friends for being "miserable comforters" in his time of distress. In the sections below, we will discuss more about this, and what we can learn from his four friends about how not to help someone who is suffering.
For a refresher, Job was a man who went through some very unfortunate events. He lost his home, his wealth, his family, his marriage, and his health within a very short period of time. There seemed to be no good reason for it, and his friends pretty much blamed him and assumed that it happened because he had sinned in some way (he hadn't.) If you haven't in a while, that might be a book to go back and read.
This article isn't really going to tackle the issues of privilege, racial injustice, police brutality, systemic racism, etc. While I do agree that these things are a problem, I admit that I am not in a place to where I can adequately write about those things specifically in depth.
However, I think the best way that I can contribute to helping these issues is to write about how to be better at listening, comforting, and loving others in crisis.
As Christians, we are supposed to grow in these skills. It is a part of bearing fruit (Galatians 5:22-23.) We cannot adequately love our neighbors or our spiritual brothers and sisters if we don't really know how to be better comforters or be helpful.
And, right now, many of us are really failing miserably in that regard.
I'm not perfect in regard to being a comforter either; none of us are. Human fallibility for you. Yet, I have learned a lot that really help in regard to my interactions with others and the difficulties they face.
The information I will be sharing can not only be applied to this situation, but any situation where there is pain.
So, how can we begin to be better at helping those who are hurting?
1. Sometimes, Silence is Best.
First, whenever you hear about an issue that has happened, fight the urge to point fingers or give advice towards the people/persons in crisis. Do not give your opinion on something you were not there for. Fight the urge to be a fixer in that moment. Bite your tongue.
When people are hurting, sometimes the best thing you can do is be quiet and sit with them. Or, if you do speak, (or type) let it be in encouragement and building up. (Ephesians 4:29, Romans 14:19, Colossians 4:6.) Nothing more.
Let them know that you are there for them, and will pray with them and for them. Let them know that you are there to listen, or help with providing things they need. Let them know you are on their side and that you hate that they are hurting. Everything else can hurt more than help.
Here is where Job's friends come in Job chapters 8-28. These guys are a prime example of what I just explained.
They started off doing the right thing by completing the first step of sitting with him in silence. They had "made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him." (2:11.) However, the problems came when they decided to open their big mouths.
One by one each of them made big, long speeches about the things he MUST have done wrong, or that his family had done wrong to deserve this anguish. (Apply this to how some are responding right now to the issues occurring.)
The youngest of his four friends, Elihu, was almost on the right track by trying to point his friends back to God. But he too, made the same mistake of automatically assuming that Job had brought this misery on himself. (Job 32-37.) I think the lesson here is that, preaching at someone while they are suffering, however well-intentioned, is not the right approach to take.
When we do this, we are allowing pride a foot hold. We become convinced that since we are going back to scripture, we have the answer to 'fix' their problem.
These men allowed their pride to run far ahead of them on matters of Job's life they knew nothing about. Be careful that you do not fall into the same trap with others; and especially with the issues going on with race relations or other ways in which people are suffering. Walking into these issues with humility is the best approach.
(Also, don't politicize another person's pain. Meaning, be careful not to let your political beliefs impede how you view a situation. This is another issue I am seeing, and it is destroying more relationships and blocking the cause of Christ than more people care to admit or realize. Your political beliefs are not scripture or gospel. So quit treating them like they are.)
2. Put On Your Listening Ears
Jumping off of the previous section, while being there for someone, we have to listen.
Shut off and fight your inclination to debate, and give advice. (Yes, even if it comes from scripture.) Just listen to their hurt. Listen with your humanity and try to walk in their shoes. When you try to offer advice or debate a person's experiences, it's almost as if you are writing them off and being dismissive.
It as if you are telling them that if they would just do this or that, it would fix everything. Or worse, that you aren't taking them seriously or believe them. It can also be taken as if you are blaming them for the hurt inflicted upon them.
Going back to Job's friends, they dismissed everything he said in trying to defend himself or explain his situation. They offered no comfort, or affirmation of his situation. When they were listening to his defense, all they could do is debate and argue with him. It is obvious that they were "listening" only to further their own agendas and arguments against him. They had no idea how to step back, exercise empathy, or encourage.
Rule of thumb: learn to practice active listening. This is a crucial skill to have when someone is struggling. It is one of the biggest ways to show empathy. When you practice active listening, you listen to what someone has to say, and then you repeat back to them what they are telling you.
Here is an example of what I mean from the movie Inside Out:
And again, if you haven't experienced what they have, you have nothing to speak on in giving advice. Nothing. This is where humility comes in. When you walk in with humility, you allow yourself to be wrong. You allow yourself to be open to things going on that you may not have realized before. You are open to seeing how you can change or make something better in the lives of others.
"Weep with those who weep." (Romans 12:15.)
"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted..." (Ephesians 4:32.)
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but to the interests of others."(Philippians 2:3-4.)
"Know this my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger..." (James 1:19.)
3. How to Act
When people are hurting, there are also some actionable things you can do. Besides sitting in silence, offering words of encouragement, and listening to them.
Here are some ideas for building others up:
-Treat them to a meal or coffee. Or something they enjoy.
-Send them cards, or even a facebook message or comment that you love them and are praying for them.
-Send them a meme you know they would find funny.
-Offer to help at their home, or bring a meal. Offer to look after their children or pets if they are feeling really overwhelmed and need a break.
-Give them a hug if they need it. (Who am I kidding? We ALL need a hug right now.)
-If it is an issue like the one we are currently dealing with, ask those people how you can help them or better understand what they are going through. Lead with compassion. Always.
...There are a lot of ways we can accomplish this. Be creative and see what you can do.
"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing each other honor." (Romans 12:10.)
To wrap up, in terms of helping people who are hurting or in crisis, the best things we can do is to speak only words of encouragement, be more quiet, and let our actions be of love and helpfulness.
We all have opinions, but sometimes in wake of hardship or trials, it is better that love wins out over opinions.
Love,
Chelsea
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