Dear Readers,
The purpose I had in starting this blog was to talk about growing closer to God, and walking in a relationship with Him.
Yet, life is messy. Pain and trouble gets in the way and derails our path. One by one after another, things in my life kept happening that were testing my faith. The trials came to feel like I was lugging around massive boulders on my back every single day.
I lost a relationship to a person I love so dearly. They took advantage of my love and completely shattered my trust. They hurt other people close to me. It left me drained of my sanity and energy.
My dreams of working full-time were shattered. For six months I worked a job I really loved, only to realize that a disability I have was getting in the way. I walked away, and it hurt so much. It still hurts, despite knowing that it was absolutely the right decision.
My physical health faltered.
My relationship to God has also suffered in the process. Somewhere along the line, something in me broke. My depression, anxiety, my disability, it all got the better of me. My inner self curled into a ball, and I lost a lot of hope and faith. I believed I was of no use to God to be able to serve Him and others adequately.
Let me be clear: I still believe in God. I believe He is real. That has never changed.
But, I am having to start all over again in every aspect of my life; including my relationship to God.
Recently, I have working through the twelve steps with a mentor. On step three, I have had to look back at the ways God has blessed and intervened in my life.
When I look back on my life, I see God's hand in everything. I see how He answered my childhood prayers for friends. I really struggled so much in making friends when I was a kid. I now have women in my life who are so loyal and loving. They have blessed my life beyond words.
I remember the day my biological father died. I remember how, after finding him unresponsive in bed, God intervened so I didn't have to be the one to call 911. My Mom called at just the right time.
I remember how God protected me from a toxic and abusive relationship. He saved me from myself and a life of heartache.
I recall how God used so many mistakes to teach me things, and to use those mistakes to be a blessing to others.
I remember a night where my brain became my worst enemy, and wouldn't shut off. I remember how, God came in and comforted me, quieted me, so I could sleep.
And, right now, I am learning more about myself and what my limitations are in regard to my disability. I am becoming more honest about what I really want out of my life. I am learning that, I don't have to do things like everyone else does; despite that being a difficult pill to swallow. I am learning to accept myself again, and to be more gracious to myself.
I have a lot of rebuilding to do. And to do that, I have to really get back into His word.
The verse I keep coming back to during this time is 2 Corinthians 12:9.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
Weakness, struggles; we are all going to have them. But, through it all, even when it's hard; even when we are doubting God's goodness; even when there is so much pain that surrounds us; even when things seem hopeless; God's power is still great.
We don't need to be strong, because that is where God comes in. He is the all powerful lion of Judah, and goes before us into battle. In fact, He's already won.
I am trying to let myself heal, and grieve. And, when we are going through it, the best thing we can do is fill our lives with His truth.
Love,
Chelsea
